Blahblahupdate

It's been snowing again last night. Now it's raining. I need the spring to finally come, I'm sure it'll help with my mood.

I'm depressed. I'm really unhappy with work at the moment. I'm telling my doctor I'm overworked but that's not true. I'm bored and don't like what I'm doing. Also my new kinda-boss is a sexist ass.

I've been drinking A LOT again. Usually about 3 liters of beer a night. If I don't have to work the next day, sometimes a whole bottle of vodka. I really wanted to quit. I even did stop drinking on work nights for a few weeks but then my computer broke and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

Yeah, my computer broke. One day the cats threw it over, the next day there was a short circuit, the whole living room went dark and then it wouldn't turn on anymore. I'm sure the problem is somewhere in the power supply and that the hard drive is still fine but I really don't know enough to fix it myself. I really miss all my mp3s, or generally listening to music or audiobooks in the background. I currently go online via my Wii but you only have one "browser window" there. No multitasking possible.
I also can't change the keyboard to Japanese which means I can't study at home anymore. I started learning Japanese in December out of pure boredom and I love learning something new every day. Such a good way to keep you brain busy. (Check out Memrise. It's an awesome site!)

So I spend a lot of my time at work being online. Which is so not allowed. I could technically get fired for writing this post right now. But I'm just hating work so much at the moment.
All I want is to go home. But there I only sit on my ass in my filthy apartment and get drunk anyhow. I'm so glad I have my cats. I have no idea what I'd do without them.

Dear Karma, what exactly have I done?

It's only Wednesday and so far I achieved having the following accidents:

Sunday I spilled boiling water over my leg. It's starting to heal but still looks like something from a horror movie.

Monday morning a mutant mosquito attacked me while I was sleeping, leaving me with several welts all over and a nice big bump on my forehead.

Yesterday I cleaned out the kitty litter box and accidentally touched some (fyi very very soft) poop. Then I puked up my guts. I'm just glad the box is right next to my loo otherwise I would have had even more to clean up.

And before I started eating a cookie with raw hazelnuts on it. Luckily I noticed right away so instead of completely swelling up I now just have a tingly throat and tongue.

Also I have to go clothes shopping soon since most of my sweatshirts are either stained beyond repair or ripped in some place or other. I hate clothes shopping. But then I'll probably just break an arm beforehand and won't be able to go.

This time I've lost it all

September 21 2012, ca. 7 pm.

I am at the moment sitting in a train going back home from my parents' place. I will type this up and post it when I'm back home.

My parents are currently on vacation in the states and I just stayed in their apartment  for two nights; although originally only one was planned.
I arrived at about 5 pm on Wednesday. The cats were friendly to me, I ate something and was very excited about the The Shondes concert that night. At 7.30 I met an old friend at the station who would come with me to the nearby town.
I don't have much contact with that friend anymore, mostly because he's an extremely weird person and his worship of me really creeps me out. I asked him to come because I wanted an escort though. With my history of breaking and/or losing valuables I thought it would be helpful if somebody could keep an eye on me.

The location was teeny-tiny and the concert was organized by the woman- and lesbian-department of the university and I was in dyke heaven.

Source

The first band, Candelilla, was great and reminded me to listen to more good hand-made female rock / riot grrrl.
The Shondes were amazing. I only knew two or three songs but by that point I was intoxicated enough to dance freely and even reply to something they said on stage which was when Louisa recognized me from facebook.
After the show I went to buy merch and ended up chatting with the whole band and was given the setlist which just made my little fangirl heart go pitty-pat.

Then it all started going downhill.
My friend insisted we'd take a taxi home since for some reason he had a shitload of money. And because it's what I do when I'm drunk, I started arguing with the driver and accused him of driving an extra-long route.
I gave my friend some money, got out and went to bed.

The next day I was still happy as flies in the shit from the previous night when I decided to check if I still had enough cash to order a pizza. But my wallet was gone. Somewhere in the 5 minutes between paying and getting inside I had lost my fucking wallet. And everything was in there. My ID, my license, my health insurance card, my electronic bus ticket and bank account cards.
Which means I now own no means of identification or way to get any money.
I borrowed the money for the train ticket from my friend who was nice enough to come over yet last night and even gave me some extra. My ex is sending me her old card from out former shared bank account so hopefully I'll be able to draw some cash on Monday or Tuesday. And then the big bureaucratic running around will begin. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

I'm also feeling a bit depressed. I really didn't want to leave my parents' place where there were wonderful cats, a tv in the bedroom and a laptop which meant I didn't even have to get out of bed yesterday. Except for the frantic wallet search of course.

But then I am going home.
I love my home and my bed and my even more wonderful cats. But I just don't want to face what's coming up.
I think I'm getting drunk again tonight.

By the way, I also couldn't find my new signed Shondes CD anymore which just blows. Guess I'll have to get another one when I see them again in October.

Music Monday

Voltaire - Ex Lover's Lover

Three heavy stones will keep it from floating,

weigh it down to the bottom, food for the fishes.

And I know that it won't be discovered

'cause I will be careful, so very careful.

What if it doesn't rain for days and the river is

reduced to its muddy bed?

With a corpse exposed I would work in haste

and I might bury the bones in a shallow grave.

And the rain comes and moves rocks and the stones

washes away all the dirt and the mudflows

Bones are exposed and well.

you know how that goes!

I wait for the day when I'll finally defile

the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.

I'll pile high to the sky

the bodies of my ex lover's lovers

Die die die ...

watch them die.

I saw you with him. You looked so happy.

All of that can change, cause I am so lonely

and I have lots of time to send you straight

to the Devil. I'm taking my time

to plan your demise.

What if I were to cut you up and mail each part

to a different town? It would take the most

brilliant private eye the rest of his life

just to put you together.

a piece in each mailbox all over the planet

from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara.

I wait for the day when I'll finally defile

the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.

I'll pile high to the sky

the bodies of my ex lover's lovers

I wait for the day when I'll finally destroy

the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.

I'll pile high to the sky

the bodies of my ex lover's lovers

Die die die ...

watch them die.

I saw you with him, you looked so happy.

That will never change because I know myself

too well. I don't have the courage

to carry out my dreams

And only there will I see them

Die die die ...

watch them die. 

Postcrossing #9

From Belarus, 1.432 km (890 miles) and 5 days.

Trigger me again and I might just have to kill you.

Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Really good actually. I mean, my apartment is still a sty but I've been 99% symptom free.
Then on Thursday night a got a message from my ex. Some stupid shit about how she keeps getting letters about the bank account we used to have together and that maybe I should give them my new address (but of course she started out with 'how are you?').
And this just triggered me so fucking bad. I went to bed, got back up an hour later crying and replied really pissily that she should change the address herself if the letters bother her so much and that she hasn't contacted me once since she got her laptop in October. (I gave her a laptop when she started University to compensate for keeping all the electronics when she moved out.) Also that if she's really interested in how I am maybe she could get in contact on her own once in a while.
Then I ordered an extremely expensive bottle of vodka and stayed home from work the next day.

It's gotten me just so fucking pissed. Friday and Saturday I spent mostly drunk which then of course spoiled the Cologne pride parade for me on Sunday since I felt pretty much like shit.
And now I'm afraid I might just get another depressive episode. This morning I laid in bed for hours crying my eyes out and I don't seem able to repress other unpleasant thoughts anymore either.
I just still feel so betrayed by her. Things weren't going great back then but I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't just my fault that she left. Yes, I was probably a handfull or two but I was fucking sick and still needed her help, even though they did release me from the loony bin. And she left. After staying with a friend who had just been dumped herself for the last few days (and nights). And on the very morning she came home to tell me she wasn't coming home she had texted me 'I love you' yet. And then she forgot about me pretty quickly. But why not? She had all her friends, her soccer, her LIFE, neither of which I had.

Just when I thought I might just get my shit together and maybe be a bit more active and happy all this crap comes flooding back. And the thing I'm dreading most is to tell my therapist about it on Thursday.

Postcrossing #8

Finally another postcard!
It came from Taiwan, traveled 9,587 km (5,957 miles) and took 9 days to get to me.

Postcrossing #7

I guess I abandoned my picture challenge. Sorry about that.

After having sent 7 postcards in the last couple of weeks, there was finally one waiting for me in my mailbox today.
It came from Magdeburg (middle eastern Germany), traveled 353 km (219 miles) and took 2 days to get to me.

Postcards for strangers

Last week (actually just before I found out I was broke) I decided to write some more postcrossing cards:

These are numbers 5-9.
To be honest, the first four I sent were all the card in the middle on the right. It's a very old card of the cafe my grandparents used to run.

And see the one of the beautiful cat eye? I wrote it all in Dutch!

I'm all happy and proud at the moment. As if I had accomplished something. But then I guess making people happy is something. And I'm always happy when I get a postcrossing card.

30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 14

Day 14 - A picture of your favorite teacher(s)

Source


I'm sorry, I couldn't find a bigger picture. This is Frau Tenten, my grade school teacher (1990-1994). She was a wonderful very gentle teacher who was (almost) always nice to everyone. Which was just what an extremely shy, socially inept Lisbeth needed.
When I was in her class she had dark hair but I haven't seen her for 18 years. In this picture she looks very much like her mother who ran a tiny little childrens' book store.