Blahblahupdate

It's been snowing again last night. Now it's raining. I need the spring to finally come, I'm sure it'll help with my mood.

I'm depressed. I'm really unhappy with work at the moment. I'm telling my doctor I'm overworked but that's not true. I'm bored and don't like what I'm doing. Also my new kinda-boss is a sexist ass.

I've been drinking A LOT again. Usually about 3 liters of beer a night. If I don't have to work the next day, sometimes a whole bottle of vodka. I really wanted to quit. I even did stop drinking on work nights for a few weeks but then my computer broke and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

Yeah, my computer broke. One day the cats threw it over, the next day there was a short circuit, the whole living room went dark and then it wouldn't turn on anymore. I'm sure the problem is somewhere in the power supply and that the hard drive is still fine but I really don't know enough to fix it myself. I really miss all my mp3s, or generally listening to music or audiobooks in the background. I currently go online via my Wii but you only have one "browser window" there. No multitasking possible.
I also can't change the keyboard to Japanese which means I can't study at home anymore. I started learning Japanese in December out of pure boredom and I love learning something new every day. Such a good way to keep you brain busy. (Check out Memrise. It's an awesome site!)

So I spend a lot of my time at work being online. Which is so not allowed. I could technically get fired for writing this post right now. But I'm just hating work so much at the moment.
All I want is to go home. But there I only sit on my ass in my filthy apartment and get drunk anyhow. I'm so glad I have my cats. I have no idea what I'd do without them.

Dear Karma, what exactly have I done?

It's only Wednesday and so far I achieved having the following accidents:

Sunday I spilled boiling water over my leg. It's starting to heal but still looks like something from a horror movie.

Monday morning a mutant mosquito attacked me while I was sleeping, leaving me with several welts all over and a nice big bump on my forehead.

Yesterday I cleaned out the kitty litter box and accidentally touched some (fyi very very soft) poop. Then I puked up my guts. I'm just glad the box is right next to my loo otherwise I would have had even more to clean up.

And before I started eating a cookie with raw hazelnuts on it. Luckily I noticed right away so instead of completely swelling up I now just have a tingly throat and tongue.

Also I have to go clothes shopping soon since most of my sweatshirts are either stained beyond repair or ripped in some place or other. I hate clothes shopping. But then I'll probably just break an arm beforehand and won't be able to go.

This time I've lost it all

September 21 2012, ca. 7 pm.

I am at the moment sitting in a train going back home from my parents' place. I will type this up and post it when I'm back home.

My parents are currently on vacation in the states and I just stayed in their apartment  for two nights; although originally only one was planned.
I arrived at about 5 pm on Wednesday. The cats were friendly to me, I ate something and was very excited about the The Shondes concert that night. At 7.30 I met an old friend at the station who would come with me to the nearby town.
I don't have much contact with that friend anymore, mostly because he's an extremely weird person and his worship of me really creeps me out. I asked him to come because I wanted an escort though. With my history of breaking and/or losing valuables I thought it would be helpful if somebody could keep an eye on me.

The location was teeny-tiny and the concert was organized by the woman- and lesbian-department of the university and I was in dyke heaven.

Source

The first band, Candelilla, was great and reminded me to listen to more good hand-made female rock / riot grrrl.
The Shondes were amazing. I only knew two or three songs but by that point I was intoxicated enough to dance freely and even reply to something they said on stage which was when Louisa recognized me from facebook.
After the show I went to buy merch and ended up chatting with the whole band and was given the setlist which just made my little fangirl heart go pitty-pat.

Then it all started going downhill.
My friend insisted we'd take a taxi home since for some reason he had a shitload of money. And because it's what I do when I'm drunk, I started arguing with the driver and accused him of driving an extra-long route.
I gave my friend some money, got out and went to bed.

The next day I was still happy as flies in the shit from the previous night when I decided to check if I still had enough cash to order a pizza. But my wallet was gone. Somewhere in the 5 minutes between paying and getting inside I had lost my fucking wallet. And everything was in there. My ID, my license, my health insurance card, my electronic bus ticket and bank account cards.
Which means I now own no means of identification or way to get any money.
I borrowed the money for the train ticket from my friend who was nice enough to come over yet last night and even gave me some extra. My ex is sending me her old card from out former shared bank account so hopefully I'll be able to draw some cash on Monday or Tuesday. And then the big bureaucratic running around will begin. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

I'm also feeling a bit depressed. I really didn't want to leave my parents' place where there were wonderful cats, a tv in the bedroom and a laptop which meant I didn't even have to get out of bed yesterday. Except for the frantic wallet search of course.

But then I am going home.
I love my home and my bed and my even more wonderful cats. But I just don't want to face what's coming up.
I think I'm getting drunk again tonight.

By the way, I also couldn't find my new signed Shondes CD anymore which just blows. Guess I'll have to get another one when I see them again in October.

Sobering up

I've finally decided to stop drinking. Somehow I never wanted to before but I'm sick of it. Drinking up my leftovers last night I didn't even enjoy the feeling of being drunk. And that's what I need to remember: I don't enjoy being drunk anymore.
I'll probably have to tell myself that every day. And I'm really not sure if I can always make myself listen.

28, day three

I just got out voluntarily for the first time since Thurdsay morning. After about 700 pages I didn't feel like reading anymore. I'm actually giggling (well, slightly smiling) at the TV.
Now drinking tons of coffee and and listening to the cats dismantle the apartment some more. I might play some Sims...

I realized yesterday now that I'm not that drawn to the computer that much and when I'm at it, get bored quickly, I might actually enjoy doing crafts again. Listening to audiobooks which I have tons of at the moment and sewing and or knitting or just doing a fucking jigsaw. Without my iPhone I used to listen to the books in bed, I actually have to be up to do so and while I am, I might as well do something productive...




Edit: Pretty much 12 hours later. I picked up. And I discovered that half of the wine I thought I had drunk on Wendesday was still sitting around. So I drank it. And I don't like the feeling of it.

In addition I just went out to get cigarettes in the fucking cold. And I realized that I've been smoking a pack since noon. That only happens when I'm feeling active and/or drunk. The last 3 days I smoked only one...

Grasping back at life

It's been a horribly weird week.
I was off of work which was fine but it did give me too much time too think and drink and get aggrevated by people.

I survived yet another birthday and am pretty much okay now.
I let go of all of the people who might possibly could be bad for me. Which means 95% of my twitter crowd. Some of them were horrible and I just got rid of anyone of that whole circle. I'm sorry to lose some of them but it's better. I just can't be around anybody who might harm me ever again.

Of course I also lost my iPhone while out for my birthday and I'm starting to think it's for the better. I've been constantly checking twitter, checking emails, checking facebook, etc. etc.... At the moment not even the computer is drawing me very much and I spent the last two days in bed reading several books.

It's just what I might have to do. Not reach for the computer when I'm bored cause I know for a fact it won't alleviate my boredom. Not let anyone from the internet get too close. Not call anyone a friend until you've spent a certain amount of real time with them.
And just try to get my shit together, like I always do. Well, most of the time.

The apartment is a pit once again. I was going to get up and get something done today but I stayed in bed and read. Which was just fine. I'll get by. I'm not expecting any company in the near (or far) future and I'll get this place tidied up in my own time. I know I will, I always have so far.

I'm surprised at how positive I'm feeling at the moment. Especially since only last morning I felt like popping a bottle of sleeping pills.
I think it's because I've got nothing and nobody to think about at the moment. My real life friends I only talk to every couple of weeks and it's just fine the way that is. Work was fine before my vacation and it will be fine after. Okay, my therapist will be pissed that I haven't confirmed her appointment yet but I don't have my fucking phone anymore. I'm trying to stay sober for as long as I can. Currently alcohol has no appeal to me at all.
And nobody will be able to hurt me anytime soon. Nobody at all.

Questions: Borderline Personality Test

• Does criticism from other people, even in small measure, make you feel horrible inside?
  ✔
• While being successful in your work life, do you feel as though a happy, successful relationship has been the one thing that's alluded you?
  ✔
• Would you say your emotional life has been characterized by anguish?
  ✔
• Have you found it hard to have close friends for very long?
  ✔
• Do you feel like you have less friends than those around you?
  ✔
• Do you tend to, at first, over idealize people and later often feel let down by them?
  ✔
• Have you ever been accused of behaving in ways that are all or nothing with nothing in between?
  ✔
• Have you taken on the values, habits and preferences of people, institutions, religions or philosophies, only to regret this decision later?
  ✔
• Have you experienced intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks?
  ✔
• Have you often felt raw? exhausted? in despair?
  ✔
• Do you have trouble sleeping?
  ✘
• Have you experienced chronic feelings of emptiness? Have you experienced a physical manifestation of this in your stomach or chest?
  ✔
• Do you have trouble being alone?
  Hmmmmm....
• Have you experienced intense relationships?
  ✔
• Do you feel like other people's emotional needs are too great?
  ✔
• Have you felt depleted from giving it your all to relationships?
  ✘
• Have you felt like since you've given it all to relationships and they haven't worked, that your only choice for sanity and balance is to not be in a relationship?
  ✘
• Do you often feel lonely even when you are in a relationship?
  ✔
• Do you consciously or unconsciously fear being abandoned?
  ✔
• Do you seem to require more time with your partner than those you observe around you?
  ✘
• Does your partner accuse you of having a double standard about the relationship?
  ✘
• Have you said you feel "unsafe" in your relationship?
  ✘
• Do you feel like your partner isn't telling you everything?
  ✘
• Have you ever experienced an overpowering feeling that your partner was keeping things from you? Has your partner expressed feeling falsely accused of doing or saying things?
  ✔
• Do social engagements and vacations often end up in turmoil?
  ✔
• Do you feel a strong need for control?
  ✔
• Are you often afraid that the world is going to cave in on you... that your life is going to collapse if you aren't in control of everything?
  ✔
• Have you demonstrated outbursts in your most intimate relationships that seemed very appropriate at the time but you regretted later?
  ✔
• Have you suffered from intense bouts of anger that last for hours, maybe even a few days?
  ✔
• Are your expressions of anger sometimes followed by shame and guilt?
  ✔
• Do you ever feel shameful?
  ✔
• After a relationship has ended, have you felt like you're experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?
  ✔
• Do you feel like any contact with that person causes you too much stress?
  ✔
• Have you ever cut someone off and refused to speak to them?
  ✔
• Have you continued to refuse contact no matter how hard they try to reach you?
  ✘
• Do you use alcohol or drugs to soothe your emotional pain?
  ✔
• Do you have, or has anyone suggested you have, an eating disorder?
  ✔
• Have you been known to spend too much, eat too much, be sexually promiscuous, or drive too fast?
  ✘
• Have others commented or complained you work too much?
  ✘
• Has anyone ever accused you of being paranoid?
  ✔
• Have you ever cut yourself?
  ✔
• Have you ever experienced so much emotional pain that you felt like you wanted to die?
  ✔
• Have you ever attempted suicide?
  ✘

Source

Christmas Shopping Hell

I know exactly why I hardly ever go into town.
Now I also made the mistake of deciding to do just that on a Saturday during the Christmas Market.


Bonn's city center was crammed full. People everywhere. Strollers everywhere. Everywhere slowly walking people and those standing in the way. And since I am someone who tends to walk pretty fast, these happen to be my special personal nightmare.


The fun started when I went to the bank. I had three money transfers to do (among other things, for this), so I took a bit longer at the machine than I usually would have done. The guy waiting for me to get done seemed to be in a bit more of a hurry than I was but I was still quite able to block out his grunting and mumbling.


On the way to the Lush shop the jostling started. And inside it was even worse. The store already is so tiny that it would be difficult to navigate through, even if there weren't shop assistants and other customers standing around all over the place. I didn't even get to the shelf with the bubble-stuff because that was besieged. But my mother will now be getting the following for Christmas: Big Blue, Avobath, Rose Queen Ballistic and Springwash Duschgel. And my backpack smells really nice. When I had finally squeezed through to the check-out and the lady there didn't take my basket but greeted me with 'Would you like a bag?', I must have looked so confused that she started speaking English to me. Whatever. I played along.


In the tea shop I then had difficulties to find something that I thought was worth being given as a gift. However, I did then fall into a buying frenzy. Thankfully, it wasn't so full in there and nobody wanted to advise me. The cousin-fraction of the familiy will now be getting Rooitea Ingwer, Bambus Pomelo and Spätsommerliebe. I couldn't resist the Bambus Pomelo for myself either (it does smell great though!) and I now also have ginger tea!!!
Of course I had to get lemons yet for that and now I'm going to the the Mr. Ming treatment. And if I then have a killer imune system that can't even be bothered by flu viruses that mutated out of anger, I'm going to have to write to Jacksonville!


I also managed to gather a new calendar for myself and a Maus-postcard.

The postcard is pretty Chritmas-y with an advent calendar in the background but then I'll just explain what that's all about to the little Russian boy.


Of course, on the way home the bus just left when I got to the station so I had to take a different one that only took me to the other side of the Rhine and I walked home for the last kilometer. The bus was - what else - cramped full will staring old farts, kids and their rude mothers. While getting out I and a nice and likeable young man (they do seem to exist) helped a lady in a wheelchair out of the bus. That gave me that nice feeling inside of me again. Until I realized she hadn't said thank you.

The next time I leave the house will definitely not be before Monday.

In this sense,  Cheers und and happy bumming around!

"Do more, be bored less"-Project for the weekend of calendar week 46

Even if I made a different impression this morning (see this or this or this), all in all the day way pretty much okay so far. After several hour of installing, uninstalling and getting rid of bugs that were my own fault, everybody in the company was called into the conference room. There we celebrated the release of our new Beta program with sandwiches and champagne. And I consider just sitting around and talking as some very nice paid work time.
Of course that lead to me staying at work longer than planned and I didn't feel like going downtown anymore. So my list of weekend activitied is just getting a bit longer:

●	Go into town
	◦   Pay bills	✔
	◦   Buy tea	✔
	◦   Buy stuff from the Lush store	✔
	◦   Buy postcards	✔
●	Sewing
	◦   Choose a pattern	✔
	◦   Calculate the pattern	✔
	◦   Cut the fabrics	✔
●	Write postcards	❒
●	Practice the keyboard	❒
●	Clean up my desk appartment	❒

So if I get bored with having all that to do, I just can't help myself.

Christmas-Present-Shopping-List

Mama

●	Quilted Pillow Edit: I'm happy to say I finished the pillow at 3:33 am just before Christmas.	❒
●	Stuff from the Lush shop	✔

Papa

●

John Wayne DVDs

✔

Cousins & Cousin-in-law

●	Tea & Tea Cups	✔
	(because I don't have any better ideas)

Ex

●	Young @ Heart DVD	✔
●	Hand-made Spongebob handbag	❒
	(if I have enough time)

Best Friend

●	Quilted Pillow	❒
	(if I have enough time)
●	Alternatively: My favorite book	❒

Lieschen is blogging. 5000th try.

Inspired by Miss Temple's blog(s) which I've currently been reading during boring times at work, I've decided to try it for myself again.

I really hope this blog makes me write more often. I used to do that excessively and sometimes I really miss it.

And no, you won't be able to read the old ones!