Trigger me again and I might just have to kill you.

Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Really good actually. I mean, my apartment is still a sty but I've been 99% symptom free.
Then on Thursday night a got a message from my ex. Some stupid shit about how she keeps getting letters about the bank account we used to have together and that maybe I should give them my new address (but of course she started out with 'how are you?').
And this just triggered me so fucking bad. I went to bed, got back up an hour later crying and replied really pissily that she should change the address herself if the letters bother her so much and that she hasn't contacted me once since she got her laptop in October. (I gave her a laptop when she started University to compensate for keeping all the electronics when she moved out.) Also that if she's really interested in how I am maybe she could get in contact on her own once in a while.
Then I ordered an extremely expensive bottle of vodka and stayed home from work the next day.

It's gotten me just so fucking pissed. Friday and Saturday I spent mostly drunk which then of course spoiled the Cologne pride parade for me on Sunday since I felt pretty much like shit.
And now I'm afraid I might just get another depressive episode. This morning I laid in bed for hours crying my eyes out and I don't seem able to repress other unpleasant thoughts anymore either.
I just still feel so betrayed by her. Things weren't going great back then but I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't just my fault that she left. Yes, I was probably a handfull or two but I was fucking sick and still needed her help, even though they did release me from the loony bin. And she left. After staying with a friend who had just been dumped herself for the last few days (and nights). And on the very morning she came home to tell me she wasn't coming home she had texted me 'I love you' yet. And then she forgot about me pretty quickly. But why not? She had all her friends, her soccer, her LIFE, neither of which I had.

Just when I thought I might just get my shit together and maybe be a bit more active and happy all this crap comes flooding back. And the thing I'm dreading most is to tell my therapist about it on Thursday.

30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 7

Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry

This picture doesn't make me cry per se but it makes me extremely sad.
It's my ex and I when we were still very happy.

To begin with...

Today was therapy-time again. I didn't mention yesterday's breakdown (just ask my twitter-friends...) for the simple reason that I know exactly what it was and where it came from. A mixture of alcohol, PMS (it's seems to be getting a problem since last month), my cute little personality disorder and the fact I will never ever be over my Ex. But I really didn't feel like talking about it.

So, as last week, all we talked about was that I want to join a choir.

All of my time in school I was a passionate choir girl and I love to sing. Although I would never do it sober and knowing that somebody's watching. But then it is my fear of people that stops me from signing up somewhere.

My therapist said I should make a pro- and con list, which basically probably is a pretty good idea. Except I hate pro- and con lists.

And once again I noticed that she generally speaks a lot more than I do. I don't mind. I'm always pretty self-conscious in conversations. And I still think it's a better way of handling it that the old bag who always has her session before me. She talks without stopping and so loudly that I could probably fix her right from the waiting room.

Well, all in all it wasn't a very good day but one that was easily bearable. And the one on which I decided to write again.