Taking baby steps (and bitching along the way)

I had another nervous breakdown friday night. I was drunk, I was miserable and I just wanted my mother to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay (like that ever happened). So I called her. I told her I feel like shit, and I hate my job. She seemed sympathetic. I'm going to visit them next weekend and my dad will help me look for a new job. He sure has enough experience in that...

To be honest, I'd like to move away. Go somewhere completely different and get a fresh start. But I don't have the money to move. I also don't know if too much would change. I'm just so stuck in my routine. I don't leave the house anymore. I get up in the mornings, go to work (on time too, since I got an official warning for being late; also, unless it's Monday, I'm usually slightly hungover), go shopping, go home, get drunk, go to bed. On Friday nights I get completely wasted, usually hurt myself somehow and then sleep most of Saturday. Since I discovered the local library, I don't get up on Sundays anymore either, except to feed the cats and sometimes myself.

This weekend I finished three books and started a fourth. I wasn't really too sure about the last one since it's about a girl about my age with depression but it turns out to be pretty good. I only teared up a little bit about once or twice. Not like on Saturday when I was finishing 'Carrie' and started sobbing uncontrolably every time the work 'Momma' came up. (Which happens a lot at the end of Carrie!)

I want to get out. I want to meet people, have friends, meet a girl. But I'm too stuck. I blame my financial situation for not going out on weekends. But that's only a part of the problem. I could afford to go out once a month. I'm just too plain lazy. It's not even lack of motivation anymore. It's lazyness.

It's the same way with my apartment. There's so much I need to do. Unclog the drains in the shower and bathroom sink, fix the toilet seat, CLEAN. Except I don't.

I've been sleeping badly lately. Having trouble falling asleep, bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. Last night was especially bad. I had a bad dream shortly after finally falling asleep but somehow I knew it was a dream. I could force myself to wake up. Except it was only my conciousness that was awake. When I kept my eyes closed, I could still feel them rolling around inside my head in a REM stage. It was really creepy and nothing that has ever happened to me before. I also never even used to believe that you only dream during REM sleep because when falling asleep I can often watch myself starting to dream and my eyes never went crazy before.

I planned out this entire post in my head this morning and now I feel like it's not all there anymore. I improvised some of it. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I don't remember. It doesn't feel right. I wanted to get everything out and now bits and pieces are missing.

28, day three

I just got out voluntarily for the first time since Thurdsay morning. After about 700 pages I didn't feel like reading anymore. I'm actually giggling (well, slightly smiling) at the TV.
Now drinking tons of coffee and and listening to the cats dismantle the apartment some more. I might play some Sims...

I realized yesterday now that I'm not that drawn to the computer that much and when I'm at it, get bored quickly, I might actually enjoy doing crafts again. Listening to audiobooks which I have tons of at the moment and sewing and or knitting or just doing a fucking jigsaw. Without my iPhone I used to listen to the books in bed, I actually have to be up to do so and while I am, I might as well do something productive...




Edit: Pretty much 12 hours later. I picked up. And I discovered that half of the wine I thought I had drunk on Wendesday was still sitting around. So I drank it. And I don't like the feeling of it.

In addition I just went out to get cigarettes in the fucking cold. And I realized that I've been smoking a pack since noon. That only happens when I'm feeling active and/or drunk. The last 3 days I smoked only one...