I'm alive

I just read all of my former blog posts and felt the need to at least mention that I'm still around because the last one was pretty fucking depressing.

I've been thinking about writing once in a while but somehow, out of laziness, never did. One time the feeling was especially strong was a little over a year ago after I had just come out of a relationship (or affair?) of only a month. I never really loved her and we weren't that compatible but she sure was pretty cool. She did sing and play guitar in a punk band.

And recently I've wanted to write again, too, but I really don't know why. I guess because a lot has changed. But a lot has also stayed the same. It might be because I'm no longer really active on twitter and sometimes I'd just like to share. I'm not sure why I don't post there anymore. I just lost interest.

What's the same:
I still drink way too much. I don't get completely wasted on weekends anymore but the three liters of beer a night still fits.
I'm still at my old job and I still don't like it any better.
I still spend most of my free time on the computer.
I still need background noise like tv series or audio books. I don't listen to music that much anymore.
My cats are still the best creatures in the world.

What's changed:
I have had a girlfriend for 9.5 months now. I love her to pieces but we often fight, mostly because she spends a lot of time with her friends and I get jealous. The borderline symptoms are definitely back.
I have something similar to a social life. For about a year I've been going to a Stammtisch every other week and I've met some great people there. Some of them have become something similar to real friends. One of them is my girlfriend.
I got a new iPhone. Which is great but because of that I also haven't read a book in almost a year.

I really hope I can really start blogging again. I did used to love it and it would be a good way to share.


I love you, readers.
Lisbeth.

Taking baby steps (and bitching along the way)

I had another nervous breakdown friday night. I was drunk, I was miserable and I just wanted my mother to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay (like that ever happened). So I called her. I told her I feel like shit, and I hate my job. She seemed sympathetic. I'm going to visit them next weekend and my dad will help me look for a new job. He sure has enough experience in that...

To be honest, I'd like to move away. Go somewhere completely different and get a fresh start. But I don't have the money to move. I also don't know if too much would change. I'm just so stuck in my routine. I don't leave the house anymore. I get up in the mornings, go to work (on time too, since I got an official warning for being late; also, unless it's Monday, I'm usually slightly hungover), go shopping, go home, get drunk, go to bed. On Friday nights I get completely wasted, usually hurt myself somehow and then sleep most of Saturday. Since I discovered the local library, I don't get up on Sundays anymore either, except to feed the cats and sometimes myself.

This weekend I finished three books and started a fourth. I wasn't really too sure about the last one since it's about a girl about my age with depression but it turns out to be pretty good. I only teared up a little bit about once or twice. Not like on Saturday when I was finishing 'Carrie' and started sobbing uncontrolably every time the work 'Momma' came up. (Which happens a lot at the end of Carrie!)

I want to get out. I want to meet people, have friends, meet a girl. But I'm too stuck. I blame my financial situation for not going out on weekends. But that's only a part of the problem. I could afford to go out once a month. I'm just too plain lazy. It's not even lack of motivation anymore. It's lazyness.

It's the same way with my apartment. There's so much I need to do. Unclog the drains in the shower and bathroom sink, fix the toilet seat, CLEAN. Except I don't.

I've been sleeping badly lately. Having trouble falling asleep, bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. Last night was especially bad. I had a bad dream shortly after finally falling asleep but somehow I knew it was a dream. I could force myself to wake up. Except it was only my conciousness that was awake. When I kept my eyes closed, I could still feel them rolling around inside my head in a REM stage. It was really creepy and nothing that has ever happened to me before. I also never even used to believe that you only dream during REM sleep because when falling asleep I can often watch myself starting to dream and my eyes never went crazy before.

I planned out this entire post in my head this morning and now I feel like it's not all there anymore. I improvised some of it. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I don't remember. It doesn't feel right. I wanted to get everything out and now bits and pieces are missing.

Blahblahupdate

It's been snowing again last night. Now it's raining. I need the spring to finally come, I'm sure it'll help with my mood.

I'm depressed. I'm really unhappy with work at the moment. I'm telling my doctor I'm overworked but that's not true. I'm bored and don't like what I'm doing. Also my new kinda-boss is a sexist ass.

I've been drinking A LOT again. Usually about 3 liters of beer a night. If I don't have to work the next day, sometimes a whole bottle of vodka. I really wanted to quit. I even did stop drinking on work nights for a few weeks but then my computer broke and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

Yeah, my computer broke. One day the cats threw it over, the next day there was a short circuit, the whole living room went dark and then it wouldn't turn on anymore. I'm sure the problem is somewhere in the power supply and that the hard drive is still fine but I really don't know enough to fix it myself. I really miss all my mp3s, or generally listening to music or audiobooks in the background. I currently go online via my Wii but you only have one "browser window" there. No multitasking possible.
I also can't change the keyboard to Japanese which means I can't study at home anymore. I started learning Japanese in December out of pure boredom and I love learning something new every day. Such a good way to keep you brain busy. (Check out Memrise. It's an awesome site!)

So I spend a lot of my time at work being online. Which is so not allowed. I could technically get fired for writing this post right now. But I'm just hating work so much at the moment.
All I want is to go home. But there I only sit on my ass in my filthy apartment and get drunk anyhow. I'm so glad I have my cats. I have no idea what I'd do without them.

Dear Karma, what exactly have I done?

It's only Wednesday and so far I achieved having the following accidents:

Sunday I spilled boiling water over my leg. It's starting to heal but still looks like something from a horror movie.

Monday morning a mutant mosquito attacked me while I was sleeping, leaving me with several welts all over and a nice big bump on my forehead.

Yesterday I cleaned out the kitty litter box and accidentally touched some (fyi very very soft) poop. Then I puked up my guts. I'm just glad the box is right next to my loo otherwise I would have had even more to clean up.

And before I started eating a cookie with raw hazelnuts on it. Luckily I noticed right away so instead of completely swelling up I now just have a tingly throat and tongue.

Also I have to go clothes shopping soon since most of my sweatshirts are either stained beyond repair or ripped in some place or other. I hate clothes shopping. But then I'll probably just break an arm beforehand and won't be able to go.

30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 5

Day 05 - A picture of your morning

I went to work late today, so I spent all morning reading. (And trying to get rid of my hangover - I succeeded.)

30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 4 + Bonus-Rant!

Day 04 - A picture of where you went today


Since I forgot my camera at home, you're going to get a stock photo today. Sorry

Source: Bahnbilder.de

I went into town and was planning to get some more hair dye and some postcards for postcrossing but at the bank I found out I that there is no money in my account. None. Nada. Zip.
It could be worse, I get paid some time this week yet and still have food in the freezer and had enough cash left over to get cat food. But starting tomorrow, my smoking- and drinking habits are not going to like it.
I've been planning to switch banks for ages and was always to lazy. But I really need to go to one that give me the option of online banking so I can check my balance more regularly without having to ride halfway across town.
Well, at least this time this happened when the rent was already paid, not like in October!

28, day three

I just got out voluntarily for the first time since Thurdsay morning. After about 700 pages I didn't feel like reading anymore. I'm actually giggling (well, slightly smiling) at the TV.
Now drinking tons of coffee and and listening to the cats dismantle the apartment some more. I might play some Sims...

I realized yesterday now that I'm not that drawn to the computer that much and when I'm at it, get bored quickly, I might actually enjoy doing crafts again. Listening to audiobooks which I have tons of at the moment and sewing and or knitting or just doing a fucking jigsaw. Without my iPhone I used to listen to the books in bed, I actually have to be up to do so and while I am, I might as well do something productive...




Edit: Pretty much 12 hours later. I picked up. And I discovered that half of the wine I thought I had drunk on Wendesday was still sitting around. So I drank it. And I don't like the feeling of it.

In addition I just went out to get cigarettes in the fucking cold. And I realized that I've been smoking a pack since noon. That only happens when I'm feeling active and/or drunk. The last 3 days I smoked only one...

Grasping back at life

It's been a horribly weird week.
I was off of work which was fine but it did give me too much time too think and drink and get aggrevated by people.

I survived yet another birthday and am pretty much okay now.
I let go of all of the people who might possibly could be bad for me. Which means 95% of my twitter crowd. Some of them were horrible and I just got rid of anyone of that whole circle. I'm sorry to lose some of them but it's better. I just can't be around anybody who might harm me ever again.

Of course I also lost my iPhone while out for my birthday and I'm starting to think it's for the better. I've been constantly checking twitter, checking emails, checking facebook, etc. etc.... At the moment not even the computer is drawing me very much and I spent the last two days in bed reading several books.

It's just what I might have to do. Not reach for the computer when I'm bored cause I know for a fact it won't alleviate my boredom. Not let anyone from the internet get too close. Not call anyone a friend until you've spent a certain amount of real time with them.
And just try to get my shit together, like I always do. Well, most of the time.

The apartment is a pit once again. I was going to get up and get something done today but I stayed in bed and read. Which was just fine. I'll get by. I'm not expecting any company in the near (or far) future and I'll get this place tidied up in my own time. I know I will, I always have so far.

I'm surprised at how positive I'm feeling at the moment. Especially since only last morning I felt like popping a bottle of sleeping pills.
I think it's because I've got nothing and nobody to think about at the moment. My real life friends I only talk to every couple of weeks and it's just fine the way that is. Work was fine before my vacation and it will be fine after. Okay, my therapist will be pissed that I haven't confirmed her appointment yet but I don't have my fucking phone anymore. I'm trying to stay sober for as long as I can. Currently alcohol has no appeal to me at all.
And nobody will be able to hurt me anytime soon. Nobody at all.

"So do you have problems with heartburn too?"

What a day!

It started with me waking up at 4 am with cramps from hell. Then, after getting up, taking an ibuprofen and telling the cats about 20 times that it's not time for breakfast yet, of course I couldn't get back to sleep.
I didn't get up when the alarm rang and made it to work at 1 fucking 30 pm.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my social worker this afternoon and my boss did try to make me go (it is sweet how caring he is) but I was pretty glad to have an excuse to blow it off. Since she told me that she's pregnant, she's different. More reserved and detached somehow. Maybe it is because I didn't congratulate her but then I just don't get how having babies is the greatest thing in the world.
Especially not if they turn out to be little shitheads like the one I had the joy to listen to when I was outside for a few minutes this noon. It was just screaming its head off and the mother kept saying "I'm going to have lunch on my own then. It's getting cold and I don't want to eat cold food." about 20 times in a row. At some point I just hollored at her to shut up and just do it then but I don't think she heard me.

Anyhow, I ended up working till eight just to get enough hours in. And of course after work I couldn't go straight home because I forgot to get something at the supermarket yesterday. So while I was freezing my ass off at the traffic lights (funny how it's so much colder at night with the sun gone...) this little dodgy looking guy leaned into me. I was listening to music LOUD on my headphones so I couldn't hear him but when I pulled one of them out he was going on about his heartburn. I just glared at him and pointedly put it back in. Didn't help though.
At least the extra trip to the supermarket gave me an excuse to buy beer. And I need it! I'm really tense right now, chewing my fingernails and picking my scalp. And the fucking computer just pooped out on me. At least this auto-save business seems to work!

Ons and Offs

I've been wanting to write again for a couple of weeks now.

I've mostly been inspired by Lalagirl who blogs several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. (Although I don't know if she's still doing that; I'm still busy catching up, currently reading March 2008.) She is someone I really look up to when it comes to blogging.
And isn't it weird how I can't stand children IRL but love reading Mommy blogs? I guess vicariousness is just about enough for me.

Well, I'm currently taking a hiatus from Twitter. For the last year, twitter has been a huge part of my life and I've made some (more or less) great friends there. But since they were annoying the shit out of me lately I felt it was better for all of us if I just stepped back a little. (After one week off I still think in Tweet-form. I guess it's bad.)

I've been sitting outside in the sunshine on the balcony for the first time this year today. And I was at peace. It's a feeling I don't really know. And right now (8.24 pm, dark and getting kinda cool outside) I'm still full of endorphines and I wish one of my (very few) friends would just reply to my texts and go dancing with me.

Everything I wrote seems so shallow. I've been going over this post in my head for about a week and now that I sit down to type it, I can't remember all the things I wanted to say. I really should just keep a list.


I hope to be back soon.
Love.
Lisbeth.

Christmas Shopping Hell

I know exactly why I hardly ever go into town.
Now I also made the mistake of deciding to do just that on a Saturday during the Christmas Market.


Bonn's city center was crammed full. People everywhere. Strollers everywhere. Everywhere slowly walking people and those standing in the way. And since I am someone who tends to walk pretty fast, these happen to be my special personal nightmare.


The fun started when I went to the bank. I had three money transfers to do (among other things, for this), so I took a bit longer at the machine than I usually would have done. The guy waiting for me to get done seemed to be in a bit more of a hurry than I was but I was still quite able to block out his grunting and mumbling.


On the way to the Lush shop the jostling started. And inside it was even worse. The store already is so tiny that it would be difficult to navigate through, even if there weren't shop assistants and other customers standing around all over the place. I didn't even get to the shelf with the bubble-stuff because that was besieged. But my mother will now be getting the following for Christmas: Big Blue, Avobath, Rose Queen Ballistic and Springwash Duschgel. And my backpack smells really nice. When I had finally squeezed through to the check-out and the lady there didn't take my basket but greeted me with 'Would you like a bag?', I must have looked so confused that she started speaking English to me. Whatever. I played along.


In the tea shop I then had difficulties to find something that I thought was worth being given as a gift. However, I did then fall into a buying frenzy. Thankfully, it wasn't so full in there and nobody wanted to advise me. The cousin-fraction of the familiy will now be getting Rooitea Ingwer, Bambus Pomelo and Spätsommerliebe. I couldn't resist the Bambus Pomelo for myself either (it does smell great though!) and I now also have ginger tea!!!
Of course I had to get lemons yet for that and now I'm going to the the Mr. Ming treatment. And if I then have a killer imune system that can't even be bothered by flu viruses that mutated out of anger, I'm going to have to write to Jacksonville!


I also managed to gather a new calendar for myself and a Maus-postcard.

The postcard is pretty Chritmas-y with an advent calendar in the background but then I'll just explain what that's all about to the little Russian boy.


Of course, on the way home the bus just left when I got to the station so I had to take a different one that only took me to the other side of the Rhine and I walked home for the last kilometer. The bus was - what else - cramped full will staring old farts, kids and their rude mothers. While getting out I and a nice and likeable young man (they do seem to exist) helped a lady in a wheelchair out of the bus. That gave me that nice feeling inside of me again. Until I realized she hadn't said thank you.

The next time I leave the house will definitely not be before Monday.

In this sense,  Cheers und and happy bumming around!

"Do more, be bored less"-Project for the weekend of calendar week 46

Even if I made a different impression this morning (see this or this or this), all in all the day way pretty much okay so far. After several hour of installing, uninstalling and getting rid of bugs that were my own fault, everybody in the company was called into the conference room. There we celebrated the release of our new Beta program with sandwiches and champagne. And I consider just sitting around and talking as some very nice paid work time.
Of course that lead to me staying at work longer than planned and I didn't feel like going downtown anymore. So my list of weekend activitied is just getting a bit longer:

●	Go into town
	◦   Pay bills	✔
	◦   Buy tea	✔
	◦   Buy stuff from the Lush store	✔
	◦   Buy postcards	✔
●	Sewing
	◦   Choose a pattern	✔
	◦   Calculate the pattern	✔
	◦   Cut the fabrics	✔
●	Write postcards	❒
●	Practice the keyboard	❒
●	Clean up my desk appartment	❒

So if I get bored with having all that to do, I just can't help myself.

To begin with...

Today was therapy-time again. I didn't mention yesterday's breakdown (just ask my twitter-friends...) for the simple reason that I know exactly what it was and where it came from. A mixture of alcohol, PMS (it's seems to be getting a problem since last month), my cute little personality disorder and the fact I will never ever be over my Ex. But I really didn't feel like talking about it.

So, as last week, all we talked about was that I want to join a choir.

All of my time in school I was a passionate choir girl and I love to sing. Although I would never do it sober and knowing that somebody's watching. But then it is my fear of people that stops me from signing up somewhere.

My therapist said I should make a pro- and con list, which basically probably is a pretty good idea. Except I hate pro- and con lists.

And once again I noticed that she generally speaks a lot more than I do. I don't mind. I'm always pretty self-conscious in conversations. And I still think it's a better way of handling it that the old bag who always has her session before me. She talks without stopping and so loudly that I could probably fix her right from the waiting room.

Well, all in all it wasn't a very good day but one that was easily bearable. And the one on which I decided to write again.