I'm alive

I just read all of my former blog posts and felt the need to at least mention that I'm still around because the last one was pretty fucking depressing.

I've been thinking about writing once in a while but somehow, out of laziness, never did. One time the feeling was especially strong was a little over a year ago after I had just come out of a relationship (or affair?) of only a month. I never really loved her and we weren't that compatible but she sure was pretty cool. She did sing and play guitar in a punk band.

And recently I've wanted to write again, too, but I really don't know why. I guess because a lot has changed. But a lot has also stayed the same. It might be because I'm no longer really active on twitter and sometimes I'd just like to share. I'm not sure why I don't post there anymore. I just lost interest.

What's the same:
I still drink way too much. I don't get completely wasted on weekends anymore but the three liters of beer a night still fits.
I'm still at my old job and I still don't like it any better.
I still spend most of my free time on the computer.
I still need background noise like tv series or audio books. I don't listen to music that much anymore.
My cats are still the best creatures in the world.

What's changed:
I have had a girlfriend for 9.5 months now. I love her to pieces but we often fight, mostly because she spends a lot of time with her friends and I get jealous. The borderline symptoms are definitely back.
I have something similar to a social life. For about a year I've been going to a Stammtisch every other week and I've met some great people there. Some of them have become something similar to real friends. One of them is my girlfriend.
I got a new iPhone. Which is great but because of that I also haven't read a book in almost a year.

I really hope I can really start blogging again. I did used to love it and it would be a good way to share.


I love you, readers.
Lisbeth.

Taking baby steps (and bitching along the way)

I had another nervous breakdown friday night. I was drunk, I was miserable and I just wanted my mother to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay (like that ever happened). So I called her. I told her I feel like shit, and I hate my job. She seemed sympathetic. I'm going to visit them next weekend and my dad will help me look for a new job. He sure has enough experience in that...

To be honest, I'd like to move away. Go somewhere completely different and get a fresh start. But I don't have the money to move. I also don't know if too much would change. I'm just so stuck in my routine. I don't leave the house anymore. I get up in the mornings, go to work (on time too, since I got an official warning for being late; also, unless it's Monday, I'm usually slightly hungover), go shopping, go home, get drunk, go to bed. On Friday nights I get completely wasted, usually hurt myself somehow and then sleep most of Saturday. Since I discovered the local library, I don't get up on Sundays anymore either, except to feed the cats and sometimes myself.

This weekend I finished three books and started a fourth. I wasn't really too sure about the last one since it's about a girl about my age with depression but it turns out to be pretty good. I only teared up a little bit about once or twice. Not like on Saturday when I was finishing 'Carrie' and started sobbing uncontrolably every time the work 'Momma' came up. (Which happens a lot at the end of Carrie!)

I want to get out. I want to meet people, have friends, meet a girl. But I'm too stuck. I blame my financial situation for not going out on weekends. But that's only a part of the problem. I could afford to go out once a month. I'm just too plain lazy. It's not even lack of motivation anymore. It's lazyness.

It's the same way with my apartment. There's so much I need to do. Unclog the drains in the shower and bathroom sink, fix the toilet seat, CLEAN. Except I don't.

I've been sleeping badly lately. Having trouble falling asleep, bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. Last night was especially bad. I had a bad dream shortly after finally falling asleep but somehow I knew it was a dream. I could force myself to wake up. Except it was only my conciousness that was awake. When I kept my eyes closed, I could still feel them rolling around inside my head in a REM stage. It was really creepy and nothing that has ever happened to me before. I also never even used to believe that you only dream during REM sleep because when falling asleep I can often watch myself starting to dream and my eyes never went crazy before.

I planned out this entire post in my head this morning and now I feel like it's not all there anymore. I improvised some of it. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I don't remember. It doesn't feel right. I wanted to get everything out and now bits and pieces are missing.

Grasping back at life

It's been a horribly weird week.
I was off of work which was fine but it did give me too much time too think and drink and get aggrevated by people.

I survived yet another birthday and am pretty much okay now.
I let go of all of the people who might possibly could be bad for me. Which means 95% of my twitter crowd. Some of them were horrible and I just got rid of anyone of that whole circle. I'm sorry to lose some of them but it's better. I just can't be around anybody who might harm me ever again.

Of course I also lost my iPhone while out for my birthday and I'm starting to think it's for the better. I've been constantly checking twitter, checking emails, checking facebook, etc. etc.... At the moment not even the computer is drawing me very much and I spent the last two days in bed reading several books.

It's just what I might have to do. Not reach for the computer when I'm bored cause I know for a fact it won't alleviate my boredom. Not let anyone from the internet get too close. Not call anyone a friend until you've spent a certain amount of real time with them.
And just try to get my shit together, like I always do. Well, most of the time.

The apartment is a pit once again. I was going to get up and get something done today but I stayed in bed and read. Which was just fine. I'll get by. I'm not expecting any company in the near (or far) future and I'll get this place tidied up in my own time. I know I will, I always have so far.

I'm surprised at how positive I'm feeling at the moment. Especially since only last morning I felt like popping a bottle of sleeping pills.
I think it's because I've got nothing and nobody to think about at the moment. My real life friends I only talk to every couple of weeks and it's just fine the way that is. Work was fine before my vacation and it will be fine after. Okay, my therapist will be pissed that I haven't confirmed her appointment yet but I don't have my fucking phone anymore. I'm trying to stay sober for as long as I can. Currently alcohol has no appeal to me at all.
And nobody will be able to hurt me anytime soon. Nobody at all.

Spacebrain 2.0

It's 7-fucking-30 on a Saturday morning and I've been up for almost an hour. Why? Because I forgot to turn off my alarm clock last night, of course! During the week, when I have to get up and go to work, I usually feel like hitting the snooze button about a million times. Today I'm awake! I really don't like life's sense of humor.

I broke my Twitter break last night but I acted pretty civilized and didn't overshare too much. And two of the three people I texted/called totally ignored me. And I texted early. There's no way both of them were asleep already before nine o'clock.
I take stuff like that very personally. My therapist brought up my not asking people to spend time with me for the upteenth time just this Thursday. (And I hate answering the same questions over and over again. I might just have to mention that.) And this is exactly why I don't do that much. Because they don't want to spend time with me. Because it's me. And who can blame them? I wouldn't hang out with me if I had a choice.