I'm alive

I just read all of my former blog posts and felt the need to at least mention that I'm still around because the last one was pretty fucking depressing.

I've been thinking about writing once in a while but somehow, out of laziness, never did. One time the feeling was especially strong was a little over a year ago after I had just come out of a relationship (or affair?) of only a month. I never really loved her and we weren't that compatible but she sure was pretty cool. She did sing and play guitar in a punk band.

And recently I've wanted to write again, too, but I really don't know why. I guess because a lot has changed. But a lot has also stayed the same. It might be because I'm no longer really active on twitter and sometimes I'd just like to share. I'm not sure why I don't post there anymore. I just lost interest.

What's the same:
I still drink way too much. I don't get completely wasted on weekends anymore but the three liters of beer a night still fits.
I'm still at my old job and I still don't like it any better.
I still spend most of my free time on the computer.
I still need background noise like tv series or audio books. I don't listen to music that much anymore.
My cats are still the best creatures in the world.

What's changed:
I have had a girlfriend for 9.5 months now. I love her to pieces but we often fight, mostly because she spends a lot of time with her friends and I get jealous. The borderline symptoms are definitely back.
I have something similar to a social life. For about a year I've been going to a Stammtisch every other week and I've met some great people there. Some of them have become something similar to real friends. One of them is my girlfriend.
I got a new iPhone. Which is great but because of that I also haven't read a book in almost a year.

I really hope I can really start blogging again. I did used to love it and it would be a good way to share.


I love you, readers.
Lisbeth.

Trigger me again and I might just have to kill you.

Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Really good actually. I mean, my apartment is still a sty but I've been 99% symptom free.
Then on Thursday night a got a message from my ex. Some stupid shit about how she keeps getting letters about the bank account we used to have together and that maybe I should give them my new address (but of course she started out with 'how are you?').
And this just triggered me so fucking bad. I went to bed, got back up an hour later crying and replied really pissily that she should change the address herself if the letters bother her so much and that she hasn't contacted me once since she got her laptop in October. (I gave her a laptop when she started University to compensate for keeping all the electronics when she moved out.) Also that if she's really interested in how I am maybe she could get in contact on her own once in a while.
Then I ordered an extremely expensive bottle of vodka and stayed home from work the next day.

It's gotten me just so fucking pissed. Friday and Saturday I spent mostly drunk which then of course spoiled the Cologne pride parade for me on Sunday since I felt pretty much like shit.
And now I'm afraid I might just get another depressive episode. This morning I laid in bed for hours crying my eyes out and I don't seem able to repress other unpleasant thoughts anymore either.
I just still feel so betrayed by her. Things weren't going great back then but I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't just my fault that she left. Yes, I was probably a handfull or two but I was fucking sick and still needed her help, even though they did release me from the loony bin. And she left. After staying with a friend who had just been dumped herself for the last few days (and nights). And on the very morning she came home to tell me she wasn't coming home she had texted me 'I love you' yet. And then she forgot about me pretty quickly. But why not? She had all her friends, her soccer, her LIFE, neither of which I had.

Just when I thought I might just get my shit together and maybe be a bit more active and happy all this crap comes flooding back. And the thing I'm dreading most is to tell my therapist about it on Thursday.

Spacebrain 2.0

It's 7-fucking-30 on a Saturday morning and I've been up for almost an hour. Why? Because I forgot to turn off my alarm clock last night, of course! During the week, when I have to get up and go to work, I usually feel like hitting the snooze button about a million times. Today I'm awake! I really don't like life's sense of humor.

I broke my Twitter break last night but I acted pretty civilized and didn't overshare too much. And two of the three people I texted/called totally ignored me. And I texted early. There's no way both of them were asleep already before nine o'clock.
I take stuff like that very personally. My therapist brought up my not asking people to spend time with me for the upteenth time just this Thursday. (And I hate answering the same questions over and over again. I might just have to mention that.) And this is exactly why I don't do that much. Because they don't want to spend time with me. Because it's me. And who can blame them? I wouldn't hang out with me if I had a choice.

Questions: Borderline Personality Test

• Does criticism from other people, even in small measure, make you feel horrible inside?
  ✔
• While being successful in your work life, do you feel as though a happy, successful relationship has been the one thing that's alluded you?
  ✔
• Would you say your emotional life has been characterized by anguish?
  ✔
• Have you found it hard to have close friends for very long?
  ✔
• Do you feel like you have less friends than those around you?
  ✔
• Do you tend to, at first, over idealize people and later often feel let down by them?
  ✔
• Have you ever been accused of behaving in ways that are all or nothing with nothing in between?
  ✔
• Have you taken on the values, habits and preferences of people, institutions, religions or philosophies, only to regret this decision later?
  ✔
• Have you experienced intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks?
  ✔
• Have you often felt raw? exhausted? in despair?
  ✔
• Do you have trouble sleeping?
  ✘
• Have you experienced chronic feelings of emptiness? Have you experienced a physical manifestation of this in your stomach or chest?
  ✔
• Do you have trouble being alone?
  Hmmmmm....
• Have you experienced intense relationships?
  ✔
• Do you feel like other people's emotional needs are too great?
  ✔
• Have you felt depleted from giving it your all to relationships?
  ✘
• Have you felt like since you've given it all to relationships and they haven't worked, that your only choice for sanity and balance is to not be in a relationship?
  ✘
• Do you often feel lonely even when you are in a relationship?
  ✔
• Do you consciously or unconsciously fear being abandoned?
  ✔
• Do you seem to require more time with your partner than those you observe around you?
  ✘
• Does your partner accuse you of having a double standard about the relationship?
  ✘
• Have you said you feel "unsafe" in your relationship?
  ✘
• Do you feel like your partner isn't telling you everything?
  ✘
• Have you ever experienced an overpowering feeling that your partner was keeping things from you? Has your partner expressed feeling falsely accused of doing or saying things?
  ✔
• Do social engagements and vacations often end up in turmoil?
  ✔
• Do you feel a strong need for control?
  ✔
• Are you often afraid that the world is going to cave in on you... that your life is going to collapse if you aren't in control of everything?
  ✔
• Have you demonstrated outbursts in your most intimate relationships that seemed very appropriate at the time but you regretted later?
  ✔
• Have you suffered from intense bouts of anger that last for hours, maybe even a few days?
  ✔
• Are your expressions of anger sometimes followed by shame and guilt?
  ✔
• Do you ever feel shameful?
  ✔
• After a relationship has ended, have you felt like you're experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?
  ✔
• Do you feel like any contact with that person causes you too much stress?
  ✔
• Have you ever cut someone off and refused to speak to them?
  ✔
• Have you continued to refuse contact no matter how hard they try to reach you?
  ✘
• Do you use alcohol or drugs to soothe your emotional pain?
  ✔
• Do you have, or has anyone suggested you have, an eating disorder?
  ✔
• Have you been known to spend too much, eat too much, be sexually promiscuous, or drive too fast?
  ✘
• Have others commented or complained you work too much?
  ✘
• Has anyone ever accused you of being paranoid?
  ✔
• Have you ever cut yourself?
  ✔
• Have you ever experienced so much emotional pain that you felt like you wanted to die?
  ✔
• Have you ever attempted suicide?
  ✘

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