I just read all of my former blog posts and felt the need to at least mention that I'm still around because the last one was pretty fucking depressing.
I've been thinking about writing once in a while but somehow, out of laziness, never did. One time the feeling was especially strong was a little over a year ago after I had just come out of a relationship (or affair?) of only a month. I never really loved her and we weren't that compatible but she sure was pretty cool. She did sing and play guitar in a punk band.
And recently I've wanted to write again, too, but I really don't know why. I guess because a lot has changed. But a lot has also stayed the same. It might be because I'm no longer really active on twitter and sometimes I'd just like to share. I'm not sure why I don't post there anymore. I just lost interest.
What's the same:
I still drink way too much. I don't get completely wasted on weekends anymore but the three liters of beer a night still fits.
I'm still at my old job and I still don't like it any better.
I still spend most of my free time on the computer.
I still need background noise like tv series or audio books. I don't listen to music that much anymore.
My cats are still the best creatures in the world.
What's changed:
I have had a girlfriend for 9.5 months now. I love her to pieces but we often fight, mostly because she spends a lot of time with her friends and I get jealous. The borderline symptoms are definitely back.
I have something similar to a social life. For about a year I've been going to a Stammtisch every other week and I've met some great people there. Some of them have become something similar to real friends. One of them is my girlfriend.
I got a new iPhone. Which is great but because of that I also haven't read a book in almost a year.
I really hope I can really start blogging again. I did used to love it and it would be a good way to share.
I love you, readers.
Lisbeth.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Monday, March 4, 2013
Taking baby steps (and bitching along the way)
I had another nervous breakdown friday night. I was drunk, I was miserable and I just wanted my mother to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay (like that ever happened). So I called her. I told her I feel like shit, and I hate my job. She seemed sympathetic. I'm going to visit them next weekend and my dad will help me look for a new job. He sure has enough experience in that...
To be honest, I'd like to move away. Go somewhere completely different and get a fresh start. But I don't have the money to move. I also don't know if too much would change. I'm just so stuck in my routine. I don't leave the house anymore. I get up in the mornings, go to work (on time too, since I got an official warning for being late; also, unless it's Monday, I'm usually slightly hungover), go shopping, go home, get drunk, go to bed. On Friday nights I get completely wasted, usually hurt myself somehow and then sleep most of Saturday. Since I discovered the local library, I don't get up on Sundays anymore either, except to feed the cats and sometimes myself.
This weekend I finished three books and started a fourth. I wasn't really too sure about the last one since it's about a girl about my age with depression but it turns out to be pretty good. I only teared up a little bit about once or twice. Not like on Saturday when I was finishing 'Carrie' and started sobbing uncontrolably every time the work 'Momma' came up. (Which happens a lot at the end of Carrie!)
I want to get out. I want to meet people, have friends, meet a girl. But I'm too stuck. I blame my financial situation for not going out on weekends. But that's only a part of the problem. I could afford to go out once a month. I'm just too plain lazy. It's not even lack of motivation anymore. It's lazyness.
It's the same way with my apartment. There's so much I need to do. Unclog the drains in the shower and bathroom sink, fix the toilet seat, CLEAN. Except I don't.
I've been sleeping badly lately. Having trouble falling asleep, bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. Last night was especially bad. I had a bad dream shortly after finally falling asleep but somehow I knew it was a dream. I could force myself to wake up. Except it was only my conciousness that was awake. When I kept my eyes closed, I could still feel them rolling around inside my head in a REM stage. It was really creepy and nothing that has ever happened to me before. I also never even used to believe that you only dream during REM sleep because when falling asleep I can often watch myself starting to dream and my eyes never went crazy before.
I planned out this entire post in my head this morning and now I feel like it's not all there anymore. I improvised some of it. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I don't remember. It doesn't feel right. I wanted to get everything out and now bits and pieces are missing.
To be honest, I'd like to move away. Go somewhere completely different and get a fresh start. But I don't have the money to move. I also don't know if too much would change. I'm just so stuck in my routine. I don't leave the house anymore. I get up in the mornings, go to work (on time too, since I got an official warning for being late; also, unless it's Monday, I'm usually slightly hungover), go shopping, go home, get drunk, go to bed. On Friday nights I get completely wasted, usually hurt myself somehow and then sleep most of Saturday. Since I discovered the local library, I don't get up on Sundays anymore either, except to feed the cats and sometimes myself.
This weekend I finished three books and started a fourth. I wasn't really too sure about the last one since it's about a girl about my age with depression but it turns out to be pretty good. I only teared up a little bit about once or twice. Not like on Saturday when I was finishing 'Carrie' and started sobbing uncontrolably every time the work 'Momma' came up. (Which happens a lot at the end of Carrie!)
I want to get out. I want to meet people, have friends, meet a girl. But I'm too stuck. I blame my financial situation for not going out on weekends. But that's only a part of the problem. I could afford to go out once a month. I'm just too plain lazy. It's not even lack of motivation anymore. It's lazyness.
It's the same way with my apartment. There's so much I need to do. Unclog the drains in the shower and bathroom sink, fix the toilet seat, CLEAN. Except I don't.
I've been sleeping badly lately. Having trouble falling asleep, bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. Last night was especially bad. I had a bad dream shortly after finally falling asleep but somehow I knew it was a dream. I could force myself to wake up. Except it was only my conciousness that was awake. When I kept my eyes closed, I could still feel them rolling around inside my head in a REM stage. It was really creepy and nothing that has ever happened to me before. I also never even used to believe that you only dream during REM sleep because when falling asleep I can often watch myself starting to dream and my eyes never went crazy before.
I planned out this entire post in my head this morning and now I feel like it's not all there anymore. I improvised some of it. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I don't remember. It doesn't feel right. I wanted to get everything out and now bits and pieces are missing.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Blahblahupdate
It's been snowing again last night. Now it's raining. I need the spring to finally come, I'm sure it'll help with my mood.
I'm depressed. I'm really unhappy with work at the moment. I'm telling my doctor I'm overworked but that's not true. I'm bored and don't like what I'm doing. Also my new kinda-boss is a sexist ass.
I've been drinking A LOT again. Usually about 3 liters of beer a night. If I don't have to work the next day, sometimes a whole bottle of vodka. I really wanted to quit. I even did stop drinking on work nights for a few weeks but then my computer broke and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.
Yeah, my computer broke. One day the cats threw it over, the next day there was a short circuit, the whole living room went dark and then it wouldn't turn on anymore. I'm sure the problem is somewhere in the power supply and that the hard drive is still fine but I really don't know enough to fix it myself. I really miss all my mp3s, or generally listening to music or audiobooks in the background. I currently go online via my Wii but you only have one "browser window" there. No multitasking possible.
I also can't change the keyboard to Japanese which means I can't study at home anymore. I started learning Japanese in December out of pure boredom and I love learning something new every day. Such a good way to keep you brain busy. (Check out Memrise. It's an awesome site!)
So I spend a lot of my time at work being online. Which is so not allowed. I could technically get fired for writing this post right now. But I'm just hating work so much at the moment.
All I want is to go home. But there I only sit on my ass in my filthy apartment and get drunk anyhow. I'm so glad I have my cats. I have no idea what I'd do without them.
I'm depressed. I'm really unhappy with work at the moment. I'm telling my doctor I'm overworked but that's not true. I'm bored and don't like what I'm doing. Also my new kinda-boss is a sexist ass.
I've been drinking A LOT again. Usually about 3 liters of beer a night. If I don't have to work the next day, sometimes a whole bottle of vodka. I really wanted to quit. I even did stop drinking on work nights for a few weeks but then my computer broke and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.
Yeah, my computer broke. One day the cats threw it over, the next day there was a short circuit, the whole living room went dark and then it wouldn't turn on anymore. I'm sure the problem is somewhere in the power supply and that the hard drive is still fine but I really don't know enough to fix it myself. I really miss all my mp3s, or generally listening to music or audiobooks in the background. I currently go online via my Wii but you only have one "browser window" there. No multitasking possible.
I also can't change the keyboard to Japanese which means I can't study at home anymore. I started learning Japanese in December out of pure boredom and I love learning something new every day. Such a good way to keep you brain busy. (Check out Memrise. It's an awesome site!)
So I spend a lot of my time at work being online. Which is so not allowed. I could technically get fired for writing this post right now. But I'm just hating work so much at the moment.
All I want is to go home. But there I only sit on my ass in my filthy apartment and get drunk anyhow. I'm so glad I have my cats. I have no idea what I'd do without them.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Dear Karma, what exactly have I done?
It's only Wednesday and so far I achieved having the following accidents:
Sunday I spilled boiling water over my leg. It's starting to heal but still looks like something from a horror movie.
Monday morning a mutant mosquito attacked me while I was sleeping, leaving me with several welts all over and a nice big bump on my forehead.
Yesterday I cleaned out the kitty litter box and accidentally touched some (fyi very very soft) poop. Then I puked up my guts. I'm just glad the box is right next to my loo otherwise I would have had even more to clean up.
And before I started eating a cookie with raw hazelnuts on it. Luckily I noticed right away so instead of completely swelling up I now just have a tingly throat and tongue.
Also I have to go clothes shopping soon since most of my sweatshirts are either stained beyond repair or ripped in some place or other. I hate clothes shopping. But then I'll probably just break an arm beforehand and won't be able to go.
Sunday I spilled boiling water over my leg. It's starting to heal but still looks like something from a horror movie.
Monday morning a mutant mosquito attacked me while I was sleeping, leaving me with several welts all over and a nice big bump on my forehead.
Yesterday I cleaned out the kitty litter box and accidentally touched some (fyi very very soft) poop. Then I puked up my guts. I'm just glad the box is right next to my loo otherwise I would have had even more to clean up.
And before I started eating a cookie with raw hazelnuts on it. Luckily I noticed right away so instead of completely swelling up I now just have a tingly throat and tongue.
Also I have to go clothes shopping soon since most of my sweatshirts are either stained beyond repair or ripped in some place or other. I hate clothes shopping. But then I'll probably just break an arm beforehand and won't be able to go.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
This time I've lost it all
September 21 2012, ca. 7 pm.
I am at the moment sitting in a train going back home from my parents' place. I will type this up and post it when I'm back home.
My parents are currently on vacation in the states and I just stayed in their apartment for two nights; although originally only one was planned.
I arrived at about 5 pm on Wednesday. The cats were friendly to me, I ate something and was very excited about the The Shondes concert that night. At 7.30 I met an old friend at the station who would come with me to the nearby town.
I don't have much contact with that friend anymore, mostly because he's an extremely weird person and his worship of me really creeps me out. I asked him to come because I wanted an escort though. With my history of breaking and/or losing valuables I thought it would be helpful if somebody could keep an eye on me.
The location was teeny-tiny and the concert was organized by the woman- and lesbian-department of the university and I was in dyke heaven.
Source
The first band, Candelilla, was great and reminded me to listen to more good hand-made female rock / riot grrrl.
The Shondes were amazing. I only knew two or three songs but by that point I was intoxicated enough to dance freely and even reply to something they said on stage which was when Louisa recognized me from facebook.
After the show I went to buy merch and ended up chatting with the whole band and was given the setlist which just made my little fangirl heart go pitty-pat.
Then it all started going downhill.
My friend insisted we'd take a taxi home since for some reason he had a shitload of money. And because it's what I do when I'm drunk, I started arguing with the driver and accused him of driving an extra-long route.
I gave my friend some money, got out and went to bed.
The next day I was still happy as flies in the shit from the previous night when I decided to check if I still had enough cash to order a pizza. But my wallet was gone. Somewhere in the 5 minutes between paying and getting inside I had lost my fucking wallet. And everything was in there. My ID, my license, my health insurance card, my electronic bus ticket and bank account cards.
Which means I now own no means of identification or way to get any money.
I borrowed the money for the train ticket from my friend who was nice enough to come over yet last night and even gave me some extra. My ex is sending me her old card from out former shared bank account so hopefully I'll be able to draw some cash on Monday or Tuesday. And then the big bureaucratic running around will begin. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.
I'm also feeling a bit depressed. I really didn't want to leave my parents' place where there were wonderful cats, a tv in the bedroom and a laptop which meant I didn't even have to get out of bed yesterday. Except for the frantic wallet search of course.
But then I am going home.
I love my home and my bed and my even more wonderful cats. But I just don't want to face what's coming up.
I think I'm getting drunk again tonight.
By the way, I also couldn't find my new signed Shondes CD anymore which just blows. Guess I'll have to get another one when I see them again in October.
I am at the moment sitting in a train going back home from my parents' place. I will type this up and post it when I'm back home.
My parents are currently on vacation in the states and I just stayed in their apartment for two nights; although originally only one was planned.
I arrived at about 5 pm on Wednesday. The cats were friendly to me, I ate something and was very excited about the The Shondes concert that night. At 7.30 I met an old friend at the station who would come with me to the nearby town.
I don't have much contact with that friend anymore, mostly because he's an extremely weird person and his worship of me really creeps me out. I asked him to come because I wanted an escort though. With my history of breaking and/or losing valuables I thought it would be helpful if somebody could keep an eye on me.
The location was teeny-tiny and the concert was organized by the woman- and lesbian-department of the university and I was in dyke heaven.
The first band, Candelilla, was great and reminded me to listen to more good hand-made female rock / riot grrrl.
The Shondes were amazing. I only knew two or three songs but by that point I was intoxicated enough to dance freely and even reply to something they said on stage which was when Louisa recognized me from facebook.
After the show I went to buy merch and ended up chatting with the whole band and was given the setlist which just made my little fangirl heart go pitty-pat.
Then it all started going downhill.
My friend insisted we'd take a taxi home since for some reason he had a shitload of money. And because it's what I do when I'm drunk, I started arguing with the driver and accused him of driving an extra-long route.
I gave my friend some money, got out and went to bed.
The next day I was still happy as flies in the shit from the previous night when I decided to check if I still had enough cash to order a pizza. But my wallet was gone. Somewhere in the 5 minutes between paying and getting inside I had lost my fucking wallet. And everything was in there. My ID, my license, my health insurance card, my electronic bus ticket and bank account cards.
Which means I now own no means of identification or way to get any money.
I borrowed the money for the train ticket from my friend who was nice enough to come over yet last night and even gave me some extra. My ex is sending me her old card from out former shared bank account so hopefully I'll be able to draw some cash on Monday or Tuesday. And then the big bureaucratic running around will begin. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.
I'm also feeling a bit depressed. I really didn't want to leave my parents' place where there were wonderful cats, a tv in the bedroom and a laptop which meant I didn't even have to get out of bed yesterday. Except for the frantic wallet search of course.
But then I am going home.
I love my home and my bed and my even more wonderful cats. But I just don't want to face what's coming up.
I think I'm getting drunk again tonight.
By the way, I also couldn't find my new signed Shondes CD anymore which just blows. Guess I'll have to get another one when I see them again in October.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Music Monday
Voltaire - Ex Lover's Lover
Three heavy stones will keep it from floating,
weigh it down to the bottom, food for the fishes.
And I know that it won't be discovered
'cause I will be careful, so very careful.
What if it doesn't rain for days and the river is
reduced to its muddy bed?
With a corpse exposed I would work in haste
and I might bury the bones in a shallow grave.
And the rain comes and moves rocks and the stones
washes away all the dirt and the mudflows
Bones are exposed and well.
you know how that goes!
I wait for the day when I'll finally defile
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
Die die die ...
watch them die.
I saw you with him. You looked so happy.
All of that can change, cause I am so lonely
and I have lots of time to send you straight
to the Devil. I'm taking my time
to plan your demise.
What if I were to cut you up and mail each part
to a different town? It would take the most
brilliant private eye the rest of his life
just to put you together.
a piece in each mailbox all over the planet
from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara.
I wait for the day when I'll finally defile
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
I wait for the day when I'll finally destroy
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
Die die die ...
watch them die.
I saw you with him, you looked so happy.
That will never change because I know myself
too well. I don't have the courage
to carry out my dreams
And only there will I see them
Die die die ...
watch them die.
Trigger me again and I might just have to kill you.
Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Really good actually. I mean, my apartment is still a sty but I've been 99% symptom free.
Then on Thursday night a got a message from my ex. Some stupid shit about how she keeps getting letters about the bank account we used to have together and that maybe I should give them my new address (but of course she started out with 'how are you?').
And this just triggered me so fucking bad. I went to bed, got back up an hour later crying and replied really pissily that she should change the address herself if the letters bother her so much and that she hasn't contacted me once since she got her laptop in October. (I gave her a laptop when she started University to compensate for keeping all the electronics when she moved out.) Also that if she's really interested in how I am maybe she could get in contact on her own once in a while.
Then I ordered an extremely expensive bottle of vodka and stayed home from work the next day.
It's gotten me just so fucking pissed. Friday and Saturday I spent mostly drunk which then of course spoiled the Cologne pride parade for me on Sunday since I felt pretty much like shit.
And now I'm afraid I might just get another depressive episode. This morning I laid in bed for hours crying my eyes out and I don't seem able to repress other unpleasant thoughts anymore either.
I just still feel so betrayed by her. Things weren't going great back then but I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't just my fault that she left. Yes, I was probably a handfull or two but I was fucking sick and still needed her help, even though they did release me from the loony bin. And she left. After staying with a friend who had just been dumped herself for the last few days (and nights). And on the very morning she came home to tell me she wasn't coming home she had texted me 'I love you' yet. And then she forgot about me pretty quickly. But why not? She had all her friends, her soccer, her LIFE, neither of which I had.
Just when I thought I might just get my shit together and maybe be a bit more active and happy all this crap comes flooding back. And the thing I'm dreading most is to tell my therapist about it on Thursday.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Postcrossing #8
Finally another postcard!
It came from Taiwan, traveled 9,587 km (5,957 miles) and took 9 days to get to me.
It came from Taiwan, traveled 9,587 km (5,957 miles) and took 9 days to get to me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Postcrossing #7
I guess I abandoned my picture challenge. Sorry about that.
After having sent 7 postcards in the last couple of weeks, there was finally one waiting for me in my mailbox today.
It came from Magdeburg (middle eastern Germany), traveled 353 km (219 miles) and took 2 days to get to me.
After having sent 7 postcards in the last couple of weeks, there was finally one waiting for me in my mailbox today.
It came from Magdeburg (middle eastern Germany), traveled 353 km (219 miles) and took 2 days to get to me.
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