It's only Wednesday and so far I achieved having the following accidents:
Sunday I spilled boiling water over my leg. It's starting to heal but still looks like something from a horror movie.
Monday morning a mutant mosquito attacked me while I was sleeping, leaving me with several welts all over and a nice big bump on my forehead.
Yesterday I cleaned out the kitty litter box and accidentally touched some (fyi very very soft) poop. Then I puked up my guts. I'm just glad the box is right next to my loo otherwise I would have had even more to clean up.
And before I started eating a cookie with raw hazelnuts on it. Luckily I noticed right away so instead of completely swelling up I now just have a tingly throat and tongue.
Also I have to go clothes shopping soon since most of my sweatshirts are either stained beyond repair or ripped in some place or other. I hate clothes shopping. But then I'll probably just break an arm beforehand and won't be able to go.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
This time I've lost it all
September 21 2012, ca. 7 pm.
I am at the moment sitting in a train going back home from my parents' place. I will type this up and post it when I'm back home.
My parents are currently on vacation in the states and I just stayed in their apartment for two nights; although originally only one was planned.
I arrived at about 5 pm on Wednesday. The cats were friendly to me, I ate something and was very excited about the The Shondes concert that night. At 7.30 I met an old friend at the station who would come with me to the nearby town.
I don't have much contact with that friend anymore, mostly because he's an extremely weird person and his worship of me really creeps me out. I asked him to come because I wanted an escort though. With my history of breaking and/or losing valuables I thought it would be helpful if somebody could keep an eye on me.
The location was teeny-tiny and the concert was organized by the woman- and lesbian-department of the university and I was in dyke heaven.
Source
The first band, Candelilla, was great and reminded me to listen to more good hand-made female rock / riot grrrl.
The Shondes were amazing. I only knew two or three songs but by that point I was intoxicated enough to dance freely and even reply to something they said on stage which was when Louisa recognized me from facebook.
After the show I went to buy merch and ended up chatting with the whole band and was given the setlist which just made my little fangirl heart go pitty-pat.
Then it all started going downhill.
My friend insisted we'd take a taxi home since for some reason he had a shitload of money. And because it's what I do when I'm drunk, I started arguing with the driver and accused him of driving an extra-long route.
I gave my friend some money, got out and went to bed.
The next day I was still happy as flies in the shit from the previous night when I decided to check if I still had enough cash to order a pizza. But my wallet was gone. Somewhere in the 5 minutes between paying and getting inside I had lost my fucking wallet. And everything was in there. My ID, my license, my health insurance card, my electronic bus ticket and bank account cards.
Which means I now own no means of identification or way to get any money.
I borrowed the money for the train ticket from my friend who was nice enough to come over yet last night and even gave me some extra. My ex is sending me her old card from out former shared bank account so hopefully I'll be able to draw some cash on Monday or Tuesday. And then the big bureaucratic running around will begin. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.
I'm also feeling a bit depressed. I really didn't want to leave my parents' place where there were wonderful cats, a tv in the bedroom and a laptop which meant I didn't even have to get out of bed yesterday. Except for the frantic wallet search of course.
But then I am going home.
I love my home and my bed and my even more wonderful cats. But I just don't want to face what's coming up.
I think I'm getting drunk again tonight.
By the way, I also couldn't find my new signed Shondes CD anymore which just blows. Guess I'll have to get another one when I see them again in October.
I am at the moment sitting in a train going back home from my parents' place. I will type this up and post it when I'm back home.
My parents are currently on vacation in the states and I just stayed in their apartment for two nights; although originally only one was planned.
I arrived at about 5 pm on Wednesday. The cats were friendly to me, I ate something and was very excited about the The Shondes concert that night. At 7.30 I met an old friend at the station who would come with me to the nearby town.
I don't have much contact with that friend anymore, mostly because he's an extremely weird person and his worship of me really creeps me out. I asked him to come because I wanted an escort though. With my history of breaking and/or losing valuables I thought it would be helpful if somebody could keep an eye on me.
The location was teeny-tiny and the concert was organized by the woman- and lesbian-department of the university and I was in dyke heaven.
The first band, Candelilla, was great and reminded me to listen to more good hand-made female rock / riot grrrl.
The Shondes were amazing. I only knew two or three songs but by that point I was intoxicated enough to dance freely and even reply to something they said on stage which was when Louisa recognized me from facebook.
After the show I went to buy merch and ended up chatting with the whole band and was given the setlist which just made my little fangirl heart go pitty-pat.
Then it all started going downhill.
My friend insisted we'd take a taxi home since for some reason he had a shitload of money. And because it's what I do when I'm drunk, I started arguing with the driver and accused him of driving an extra-long route.
I gave my friend some money, got out and went to bed.
The next day I was still happy as flies in the shit from the previous night when I decided to check if I still had enough cash to order a pizza. But my wallet was gone. Somewhere in the 5 minutes between paying and getting inside I had lost my fucking wallet. And everything was in there. My ID, my license, my health insurance card, my electronic bus ticket and bank account cards.
Which means I now own no means of identification or way to get any money.
I borrowed the money for the train ticket from my friend who was nice enough to come over yet last night and even gave me some extra. My ex is sending me her old card from out former shared bank account so hopefully I'll be able to draw some cash on Monday or Tuesday. And then the big bureaucratic running around will begin. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.
I'm also feeling a bit depressed. I really didn't want to leave my parents' place where there were wonderful cats, a tv in the bedroom and a laptop which meant I didn't even have to get out of bed yesterday. Except for the frantic wallet search of course.
But then I am going home.
I love my home and my bed and my even more wonderful cats. But I just don't want to face what's coming up.
I think I'm getting drunk again tonight.
By the way, I also couldn't find my new signed Shondes CD anymore which just blows. Guess I'll have to get another one when I see them again in October.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Music Monday
Voltaire - Ex Lover's Lover
Three heavy stones will keep it from floating,
weigh it down to the bottom, food for the fishes.
And I know that it won't be discovered
'cause I will be careful, so very careful.
What if it doesn't rain for days and the river is
reduced to its muddy bed?
With a corpse exposed I would work in haste
and I might bury the bones in a shallow grave.
And the rain comes and moves rocks and the stones
washes away all the dirt and the mudflows
Bones are exposed and well.
you know how that goes!
I wait for the day when I'll finally defile
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
Die die die ...
watch them die.
I saw you with him. You looked so happy.
All of that can change, cause I am so lonely
and I have lots of time to send you straight
to the Devil. I'm taking my time
to plan your demise.
What if I were to cut you up and mail each part
to a different town? It would take the most
brilliant private eye the rest of his life
just to put you together.
a piece in each mailbox all over the planet
from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara.
I wait for the day when I'll finally defile
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
I wait for the day when I'll finally destroy
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
Die die die ...
watch them die.
I saw you with him, you looked so happy.
That will never change because I know myself
too well. I don't have the courage
to carry out my dreams
And only there will I see them
Die die die ...
watch them die.
Trigger me again and I might just have to kill you.
Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Really good actually. I mean, my apartment is still a sty but I've been 99% symptom free.
Then on Thursday night a got a message from my ex. Some stupid shit about how she keeps getting letters about the bank account we used to have together and that maybe I should give them my new address (but of course she started out with 'how are you?').
And this just triggered me so fucking bad. I went to bed, got back up an hour later crying and replied really pissily that she should change the address herself if the letters bother her so much and that she hasn't contacted me once since she got her laptop in October. (I gave her a laptop when she started University to compensate for keeping all the electronics when she moved out.) Also that if she's really interested in how I am maybe she could get in contact on her own once in a while.
Then I ordered an extremely expensive bottle of vodka and stayed home from work the next day.
It's gotten me just so fucking pissed. Friday and Saturday I spent mostly drunk which then of course spoiled the Cologne pride parade for me on Sunday since I felt pretty much like shit.
And now I'm afraid I might just get another depressive episode. This morning I laid in bed for hours crying my eyes out and I don't seem able to repress other unpleasant thoughts anymore either.
I just still feel so betrayed by her. Things weren't going great back then but I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't just my fault that she left. Yes, I was probably a handfull or two but I was fucking sick and still needed her help, even though they did release me from the loony bin. And she left. After staying with a friend who had just been dumped herself for the last few days (and nights). And on the very morning she came home to tell me she wasn't coming home she had texted me 'I love you' yet. And then she forgot about me pretty quickly. But why not? She had all her friends, her soccer, her LIFE, neither of which I had.
Just when I thought I might just get my shit together and maybe be a bit more active and happy all this crap comes flooding back. And the thing I'm dreading most is to tell my therapist about it on Thursday.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Postcrossing #8
Finally another postcard!
It came from Taiwan, traveled 9,587 km (5,957 miles) and took 9 days to get to me.
It came from Taiwan, traveled 9,587 km (5,957 miles) and took 9 days to get to me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Postcrossing #7
I guess I abandoned my picture challenge. Sorry about that.
After having sent 7 postcards in the last couple of weeks, there was finally one waiting for me in my mailbox today.
It came from Magdeburg (middle eastern Germany), traveled 353 km (219 miles) and took 2 days to get to me.
After having sent 7 postcards in the last couple of weeks, there was finally one waiting for me in my mailbox today.
It came from Magdeburg (middle eastern Germany), traveled 353 km (219 miles) and took 2 days to get to me.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Postcards for strangers
Last week (actually just before I found out I was broke) I decided to write some more postcrossing cards:
These are numbers 5-9.
To be honest, the first four I sent were all the card in the middle on the right. It's a very old card of the cafe my grandparents used to run.
And see the one of the beautiful cat eye? I wrote it all in Dutch!
I'm all happy and proud at the moment. As if I had accomplished something. But then I guess making people happy is something. And I'm always happy when I get a postcrossing card.
These are numbers 5-9.
To be honest, the first four I sent were all the card in the middle on the right. It's a very old card of the cafe my grandparents used to run.
And see the one of the beautiful cat eye? I wrote it all in Dutch!
I'm all happy and proud at the moment. As if I had accomplished something. But then I guess making people happy is something. And I'm always happy when I get a postcrossing card.
Friday, June 8, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 14
Day 14 - A picture of your favorite teacher(s)
Source
I'm sorry, I couldn't find a bigger picture. This is Frau Tenten, my grade school teacher (1990-1994). She was a wonderful very gentle teacher who was (almost) always nice to everyone. Which was just what an extremely shy, socially inept Lisbeth needed.
When I was in her class she had dark hair but I haven't seen her for 18 years. In this picture she looks very much like her mother who ran a tiny little childrens' book store.
I'm sorry, I couldn't find a bigger picture. This is Frau Tenten, my grade school teacher (1990-1994). She was a wonderful very gentle teacher who was (almost) always nice to everyone. Which was just what an extremely shy, socially inept Lisbeth needed.
When I was in her class she had dark hair but I haven't seen her for 18 years. In this picture she looks very much like her mother who ran a tiny little childrens' book store.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Days 8 - 12
I guess I'm a bit behind...
Day 08 - A picture of yourself
Day 09 - A picture of what you had for lunch
Source
Day 10 - A picture of what you like to do
Day 11 - A picture of your favorite drink
Source
Day 12 - A picture of your favorite food
Beef & Horseradish (Preferably the way my Grandma used to make it).
Source
Day 08 - A picture of yourself
Day 10 - A picture of what you like to do
Day 11 - A picture of your favorite drink
Day 12 - A picture of your favorite food
Beef & Horseradish (Preferably the way my Grandma used to make it).
Source
Friday, June 1, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 7
Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry
This picture doesn't make me cry per se but it makes me extremely sad.
It's my ex and I when we were still very happy.
This picture doesn't make me cry per se but it makes me extremely sad.
It's my ex and I when we were still very happy.
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Skipping Day 6
Day 06 - A picture that inspires you
I'm sorry, I've been thinking hard about this one. Thruth is, it's very hard to inspire me.
As soon as anything does, I'll update this but right now there will be no picture.
I'm sorry, I've been thinking hard about this one. Thruth is, it's very hard to inspire me.
As soon as anything does, I'll update this but right now there will be no picture.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 5
Day 05 - A picture of your morning
I went to work late today, so I spent all morning reading. (And trying to get rid of my hangover - I succeeded.)
I went to work late today, so I spent all morning reading. (And trying to get rid of my hangover - I succeeded.)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 4 + Bonus-Rant!
Day 04 - A picture of where you went today
Since I forgot my camera at home, you're going to get a stock photo today. Sorry
I went into town and was planning to get some more hair dye and some postcards for postcrossing but at the bank I found out I that there is no money in my account. None. Nada. Zip.
It could be worse, I get paid some time this week yet and still have food in the freezer and had enough cash left over to get cat food. But starting tomorrow, my smoking- and drinking habits are not going to like it.
I've been planning to switch banks for ages and was always to lazy. But I really need to go to one that give me the option of online banking so I can check my balance more regularly without having to ride halfway across town.
Well, at least this time this happened when the rent was already paid, not like in October!
Since I forgot my camera at home, you're going to get a stock photo today. Sorry
Source: Bahnbilder.de
It could be worse, I get paid some time this week yet and still have food in the freezer and had enough cash left over to get cat food. But starting tomorrow, my smoking- and drinking habits are not going to like it.
I've been planning to switch banks for ages and was always to lazy. But I really need to go to one that give me the option of online banking so I can check my balance more regularly without having to ride halfway across town.
Well, at least this time this happened when the rent was already paid, not like in October!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge - Day 2
Day 02 - A picture of what you wore today
(Sorry I have no ass.)
(Sorry I have no ass.)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
30 Day Personal Picture Challenge
Day 01- A picture of yourself
Day 02 - A picture of what you wore today
Day 03 - A picture of what you did today
Day 04 - A picture of where you went today
Day 05 - A picture of your morning
Day 06 - A picture that inspires you
Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry
Day 08 - A picture of yourself
Day 09 - A picture of what you had for lunch
Day 10 - A picture of what you like to do
Day 11 - A picture of your favorite drink
Day 12 - A picture of your favorite food
Day 13 - A picture of your friends
Day 14 - A picture of your favorite teacher(s)
Day 15 - A picture of yourself
Day 16 - A picture of your dream cell phone
Day 17 - A picture of your mp3 player
Day 18 - A picture of your room
Day 19 - A picture of your favorite musical instrument(s)
Day 20 - A picture of where you want to honeymoon
Day 21 - A picture that makes you think of your loved one
Day 22 - A picture of yourself
Day 23 - A picture that describes your life
Day 24 - A picture of what you did today
Day 25 - A picture that you edited
Day 26 - A picture that makes you angry
Day 27 - A picture of you more than 10 years ago
Day 28 - A picture of what you wore today
Day 29 - A picture of yourself
Day 30 - A picture of you and your best friend
Source
Day 02 - A picture of what you wore today
Day 03 - A picture of what you did today
Day 04 - A picture of where you went today
Day 05 - A picture of your morning
Day 06 - A picture that inspires you
Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry
Day 08 - A picture of yourself
Day 09 - A picture of what you had for lunch
Day 10 - A picture of what you like to do
Day 11 - A picture of your favorite drink
Day 12 - A picture of your favorite food
Day 13 - A picture of your friends
Day 14 - A picture of your favorite teacher(s)
Day 15 - A picture of yourself
Day 16 - A picture of your dream cell phone
Day 17 - A picture of your mp3 player
Day 18 - A picture of your room
Day 19 - A picture of your favorite musical instrument(s)
Day 20 - A picture of where you want to honeymoon
Day 21 - A picture that makes you think of your loved one
Day 22 - A picture of yourself
Day 23 - A picture that describes your life
Day 24 - A picture of what you did today
Day 25 - A picture that you edited
Day 26 - A picture that makes you angry
Day 27 - A picture of you more than 10 years ago
Day 28 - A picture of what you wore today
Day 29 - A picture of yourself
Day 30 - A picture of you and your best friend
Source
Monday, May 21, 2012
An idea... my life
I'm planning to write out my biography soon.
I just need some time to word everything right and get an actual text together that is not too much tainted with alcohol.
I just need some time to word everything right and get an actual text together that is not too much tainted with alcohol.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Music Monday
I know I haven't posted in quite a while... I keep thinking about it but then don't feel like it.
Anyhow, here are two wonderful songs which suddenly popped into my head again today...
Acid In[di]gestion
when the beetles decided to eat off her skin
it was supple as silk, saturated with sin
and the tissue inside was so heavy with drink
that in two or three bites not a beetle could think
and the insects that invade her coffin gnawed inside
of the flesh that she forgot to say goodbye to
and the insects that invade her coffin gnawed inside
of the flesh that she forgot to say goodbye to
when the spiders decided to sew up her eyes
they were frightened by their sickly color and size
and the youngest retreated in fear of the deep
and the eldest were silent and sewed them to sleep
and the insects that invade her coffin gnawed inside
of the flesh that she forgot to say goodbye to
Anyhow, here are two wonderful songs which suddenly popped into my head again today...
Acid In[di]gestion
there's a hole in a brick wall
six black beetles are
running in a circle
being purposeless
a pillowesque desk in the
corner of a science
room has become the
death bed of a cute girl
she will never sample bottled
chemicals again
and her stomach once contained a bowl of weetabix
but a beetle now abides within her ear
and she doesn't understand the things he whispers
when you poison yourself you can't hear
can't hear
can't
she will never sample bottled
chemicals again
and her organs have become a single organ
that can't function but it sits there in the ground
it was melted by a liquid sort of acid
that from curiosity she downed
she downed
she
six black beetles are
running in a circle
being purposeless
a pillowesque desk in the
corner of a science
room has become the
death bed of a cute girl
she will never sample bottled
chemicals again
and her stomach once contained a bowl of weetabix
but a beetle now abides within her ear
and she doesn't understand the things he whispers
when you poison yourself you can't hear
can't hear
can't
she will never sample bottled
chemicals again
and her organs have become a single organ
that can't function but it sits there in the ground
it was melted by a liquid sort of acid
that from curiosity she downed
she downed
she
Acid In[di]gestion Pt. 2
and the organs have become a single organ
that can't function but it sits there in the ground
it was melted by a liquid sort of acid
that from curiosity she downed
that can't function but it sits there in the ground
it was melted by a liquid sort of acid
that from curiosity she downed
when the beetles decided to eat off her skin
it was supple as silk, saturated with sin
and the tissue inside was so heavy with drink
that in two or three bites not a beetle could think
and the insects that invade her coffin gnawed inside
of the flesh that she forgot to say goodbye to
and the insects that invade her coffin gnawed inside
of the flesh that she forgot to say goodbye to
when the spiders decided to sew up her eyes
they were frightened by their sickly color and size
and the youngest retreated in fear of the deep
and the eldest were silent and sewed them to sleep
and the insects that invade her coffin gnawed inside
of the flesh that she forgot to say goodbye to
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Sobering up
I've finally decided to stop drinking. Somehow I never wanted to before but I'm sick of it. Drinking up my leftovers last night I didn't even enjoy the feeling of being drunk. And that's what I need to remember: I don't enjoy being drunk anymore.
I'll probably have to tell myself that every day. And I'm really not sure if I can always make myself listen.
I'll probably have to tell myself that every day. And I'm really not sure if I can always make myself listen.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
28, day three
I just got out voluntarily for the first time since Thurdsay morning. After about 700 pages I didn't feel like reading anymore. I'm actually giggling (well, slightly smiling) at the TV.
Now drinking tons of coffee and and listening to the cats dismantle the apartment some more. I might play some Sims...
I realized yesterday now that I'm not that drawn to the computer that much and when I'm at it, get bored quickly, I might actually enjoy doing crafts again. Listening to audiobooks which I have tons of at the moment and sewing and or knitting or just doing a fucking jigsaw. Without my iPhone I used to listen to the books in bed, I actually have to be up to do so and while I am, I might as well do something productive...
Edit: Pretty much 12 hours later. I picked up. And I discovered that half of the wine I thought I had drunk on Wendesday was still sitting around. So I drank it. And I don't like the feeling of it.
In addition I just went out to get cigarettes in the fucking cold. And I realized that I've been smoking a pack since noon. That only happens when I'm feeling active and/or drunk. The last 3 days I smoked only one...
Now drinking tons of coffee and and listening to the cats dismantle the apartment some more. I might play some Sims...
I realized yesterday now that I'm not that drawn to the computer that much and when I'm at it, get bored quickly, I might actually enjoy doing crafts again. Listening to audiobooks which I have tons of at the moment and sewing and or knitting or just doing a fucking jigsaw. Without my iPhone I used to listen to the books in bed, I actually have to be up to do so and while I am, I might as well do something productive...
Edit: Pretty much 12 hours later. I picked up. And I discovered that half of the wine I thought I had drunk on Wendesday was still sitting around. So I drank it. And I don't like the feeling of it.
In addition I just went out to get cigarettes in the fucking cold. And I realized that I've been smoking a pack since noon. That only happens when I'm feeling active and/or drunk. The last 3 days I smoked only one...
Friday, April 20, 2012
Grasping back at life
It's been a horribly weird week.
I was off of work which was fine but it did give me too much time too think and drink and get aggrevated by people.
I survived yet another birthday and am pretty much okay now.
I let go of all of the people who might possibly could be bad for me. Which means 95% of my twitter crowd. Some of them were horrible and I just got rid of anyone of that whole circle. I'm sorry to lose some of them but it's better. I just can't be around anybody who might harm me ever again.
Of course I also lost my iPhone while out for my birthday and I'm starting to think it's for the better. I've been constantly checking twitter, checking emails, checking facebook, etc. etc.... At the moment not even the computer is drawing me very much and I spent the last two days in bed reading several books.
It's just what I might have to do. Not reach for the computer when I'm bored cause I know for a fact it won't alleviate my boredom. Not let anyone from the internet get too close. Not call anyone a friend until you've spent a certain amount of real time with them.
And just try to get my shit together, like I always do. Well, most of the time.
The apartment is a pit once again. I was going to get up and get something done today but I stayed in bed and read. Which was just fine. I'll get by. I'm not expecting any company in the near (or far) future and I'll get this place tidied up in my own time. I know I will, I always have so far.
I'm surprised at how positive I'm feeling at the moment. Especially since only last morning I felt like popping a bottle of sleeping pills.
I think it's because I've got nothing and nobody to think about at the moment. My real life friends I only talk to every couple of weeks and it's just fine the way that is. Work was fine before my vacation and it will be fine after. Okay, my therapist will be pissed that I haven't confirmed her appointment yet but I don't have my fucking phone anymore. I'm trying to stay sober for as long as I can. Currently alcohol has no appeal to me at all.
And nobody will be able to hurt me anytime soon. Nobody at all.
I was off of work which was fine but it did give me too much time too think and drink and get aggrevated by people.
I survived yet another birthday and am pretty much okay now.
I let go of all of the people who might possibly could be bad for me. Which means 95% of my twitter crowd. Some of them were horrible and I just got rid of anyone of that whole circle. I'm sorry to lose some of them but it's better. I just can't be around anybody who might harm me ever again.
Of course I also lost my iPhone while out for my birthday and I'm starting to think it's for the better. I've been constantly checking twitter, checking emails, checking facebook, etc. etc.... At the moment not even the computer is drawing me very much and I spent the last two days in bed reading several books.
It's just what I might have to do. Not reach for the computer when I'm bored cause I know for a fact it won't alleviate my boredom. Not let anyone from the internet get too close. Not call anyone a friend until you've spent a certain amount of real time with them.
And just try to get my shit together, like I always do. Well, most of the time.
The apartment is a pit once again. I was going to get up and get something done today but I stayed in bed and read. Which was just fine. I'll get by. I'm not expecting any company in the near (or far) future and I'll get this place tidied up in my own time. I know I will, I always have so far.
I'm surprised at how positive I'm feeling at the moment. Especially since only last morning I felt like popping a bottle of sleeping pills.
I think it's because I've got nothing and nobody to think about at the moment. My real life friends I only talk to every couple of weeks and it's just fine the way that is. Work was fine before my vacation and it will be fine after. Okay, my therapist will be pissed that I haven't confirmed her appointment yet but I don't have my fucking phone anymore. I'm trying to stay sober for as long as I can. Currently alcohol has no appeal to me at all.
And nobody will be able to hurt me anytime soon. Nobody at all.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
(Belated) Music Monday
I simply love this song. And recently it just seems to pop up in my head for no reason and gets stuck there. Which I don't really mind.
Birdeatsbaby - Here She Comes-a-Tumblin'
(click to listen!)
Here she comes a tumbling
Tumbling from the sky
I stop to question liberty
I ask my mother why
Here she comes a tumbling
Arms and legs and eyes
Oh Ivory there’s three of me
and each of us is blind
Birdeatsbaby - Here She Comes-a-Tumblin'
(click to listen!)
Here she comes a tumbling
Tumbling from the sky
I stop to question liberty
I ask my mother why
Here she comes a tumbling
Arms and legs and eyes
Oh Ivory there’s three of me
and each of us is blind
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
"So do you have problems with heartburn too?"
What a day!
It started with me waking up at 4 am with cramps from hell. Then, after getting up, taking an ibuprofen and telling the cats about 20 times that it's not time for breakfast yet, of course I couldn't get back to sleep.
I didn't get up when the alarm rang and made it to work at 1 fucking 30 pm.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my social worker this afternoon and my boss did try to make me go (it is sweet how caring he is) but I was pretty glad to have an excuse to blow it off. Since she told me that she's pregnant, she's different. More reserved and detached somehow. Maybe it is because I didn't congratulate her but then I just don't get how having babies is the greatest thing in the world.
Especially not if they turn out to be little shitheads like the one I had the joy to listen to when I was outside for a few minutes this noon. It was just screaming its head off and the mother kept saying "I'm going to have lunch on my own then. It's getting cold and I don't want to eat cold food." about 20 times in a row. At some point I just hollored at her to shut up and just do it then but I don't think she heard me.
Anyhow, I ended up working till eight just to get enough hours in. And of course after work I couldn't go straight home because I forgot to get something at the supermarket yesterday. So while I was freezing my ass off at the traffic lights (funny how it's so much colder at night with the sun gone...) this little dodgy looking guy leaned into me. I was listening to music LOUD on my headphones so I couldn't hear him but when I pulled one of them out he was going on about his heartburn. I just glared at him and pointedly put it back in. Didn't help though.
At least the extra trip to the supermarket gave me an excuse to buy beer. And I need it! I'm really tense right now, chewing my fingernails and picking my scalp. And the fucking computer just pooped out on me. At least this auto-save business seems to work!
It started with me waking up at 4 am with cramps from hell. Then, after getting up, taking an ibuprofen and telling the cats about 20 times that it's not time for breakfast yet, of course I couldn't get back to sleep.
I didn't get up when the alarm rang and made it to work at 1 fucking 30 pm.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my social worker this afternoon and my boss did try to make me go (it is sweet how caring he is) but I was pretty glad to have an excuse to blow it off. Since she told me that she's pregnant, she's different. More reserved and detached somehow. Maybe it is because I didn't congratulate her but then I just don't get how having babies is the greatest thing in the world.
Especially not if they turn out to be little shitheads like the one I had the joy to listen to when I was outside for a few minutes this noon. It was just screaming its head off and the mother kept saying "I'm going to have lunch on my own then. It's getting cold and I don't want to eat cold food." about 20 times in a row. At some point I just hollored at her to shut up and just do it then but I don't think she heard me.
Anyhow, I ended up working till eight just to get enough hours in. And of course after work I couldn't go straight home because I forgot to get something at the supermarket yesterday. So while I was freezing my ass off at the traffic lights (funny how it's so much colder at night with the sun gone...) this little dodgy looking guy leaned into me. I was listening to music LOUD on my headphones so I couldn't hear him but when I pulled one of them out he was going on about his heartburn. I just glared at him and pointedly put it back in. Didn't help though.
At least the extra trip to the supermarket gave me an excuse to buy beer. And I need it! I'm really tense right now, chewing my fingernails and picking my scalp. And the fucking computer just pooped out on me. At least this auto-save business seems to work!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Music Monday
I recently became a MyHogwarts Beta tester.
That page introduced me to Wizard Rock for the first time (they have a radio). To be honest, a lot of it is just cheesy, pathetic shit but I discovered this one song that I LOVE LOVE LOVE for its music. And for Wizard Rock, the lyrics aren't tooooo bad either.
The Moaning Myrtles - And then I died
(click to listen!)
One rainy day at Hogwarts school
I got new glasses and I thought they were cool
Olive Hornby passed by
I said, “Don’t I look fly?”
She said, “No ugly Myrtle, you look more like a fool.”
I went to the bathroom on the second floor
What was Olive thinking, now this is war
So I started to bawl
And ran into a stall
And I heard a boy talking just outside of the door
Get out of my bathroom, you’re really creepy
You’re not a girl and you don’t belong here
I don’t understand you, stop speaking in tongues
Saw a pair of yellow eyes and then I died.
I don’t know what happened during that attack
My body seized up, everything went black
Then I floated away
And you know what they say
My life still sucked so then I came back
That evil witch wouldn’t get away
I haunted Olive Hornby every night and day
Till the Ministry called
Oh and they were appalled
I was sent back to Hogwarts where I am today.
Get out of my bathroom, you’re really creepy
You’re not a girl and you don’t belong here
I don’t understand you, stop speaking in tongues
Saw a pair of yellow eyes and then I died.
Been the bathroom ghost since the night I fell
It’s not so bad if you ignore the smell
I was sorry to go
But there’s one thing I know
Olive Hornby is burning in hell
Get out of my bathroom, you’re really creepy
You’re not a girl and you don’t belong here
I don’t understand you, stop speaking in tongues
Saw a pair of yellow eyes
And now I’m Moaning Myrtle and I live in a toilet
Olive Hornby got what was coming to her
As you know, nothing’s been the same ever since
The day I…
That page introduced me to Wizard Rock for the first time (they have a radio). To be honest, a lot of it is just cheesy, pathetic shit but I discovered this one song that I LOVE LOVE LOVE for its music. And for Wizard Rock, the lyrics aren't tooooo bad either.
The Moaning Myrtles - And then I died
(click to listen!)
One rainy day at Hogwarts school
I got new glasses and I thought they were cool
Olive Hornby passed by
I said, “Don’t I look fly?”
She said, “No ugly Myrtle, you look more like a fool.”
I went to the bathroom on the second floor
What was Olive thinking, now this is war
So I started to bawl
And ran into a stall
And I heard a boy talking just outside of the door
Get out of my bathroom, you’re really creepy
You’re not a girl and you don’t belong here
I don’t understand you, stop speaking in tongues
Saw a pair of yellow eyes and then I died.
I don’t know what happened during that attack
My body seized up, everything went black
Then I floated away
And you know what they say
My life still sucked so then I came back
That evil witch wouldn’t get away
I haunted Olive Hornby every night and day
Till the Ministry called
Oh and they were appalled
I was sent back to Hogwarts where I am today.
Get out of my bathroom, you’re really creepy
You’re not a girl and you don’t belong here
I don’t understand you, stop speaking in tongues
Saw a pair of yellow eyes and then I died.
Been the bathroom ghost since the night I fell
It’s not so bad if you ignore the smell
I was sorry to go
But there’s one thing I know
Olive Hornby is burning in hell
Get out of my bathroom, you’re really creepy
You’re not a girl and you don’t belong here
I don’t understand you, stop speaking in tongues
Saw a pair of yellow eyes
And now I’m Moaning Myrtle and I live in a toilet
Olive Hornby got what was coming to her
As you know, nothing’s been the same ever since
The day I…
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Spacebrain 2.0
It's 7-fucking-30 on a Saturday morning and I've been up for almost an hour. Why? Because I forgot to turn off my alarm clock last night, of course! During the week, when I have to get up and go to work, I usually feel like hitting the snooze button about a million times. Today I'm awake! I really don't like life's sense of humor.
I broke my Twitter break last night but I acted pretty civilized and didn't overshare too much. And two of the three people I texted/called totally ignored me. And I texted early. There's no way both of them were asleep already before nine o'clock.
I take stuff like that very personally. My therapist brought up my not asking people to spend time with me for the upteenth time just this Thursday. (And I hate answering the same questions over and over again. I might just have to mention that.) And this is exactly why I don't do that much. Because they don't want to spend time with me. Because it's me. And who can blame them? I wouldn't hang out with me if I had a choice.
I broke my Twitter break last night but I acted pretty civilized and didn't overshare too much. And two of the three people I texted/called totally ignored me. And I texted early. There's no way both of them were asleep already before nine o'clock.
I take stuff like that very personally. My therapist brought up my not asking people to spend time with me for the upteenth time just this Thursday. (And I hate answering the same questions over and over again. I might just have to mention that.) And this is exactly why I don't do that much. Because they don't want to spend time with me. Because it's me. And who can blame them? I wouldn't hang out with me if I had a choice.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Ons and Offs
I've been wanting to write again for a couple of weeks now.
I've mostly been inspired by Lalagirl who blogs several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. (Although I don't know if she's still doing that; I'm still busy catching up, currently reading March 2008.) She is someone I really look up to when it comes to blogging.
And isn't it weird how I can't stand children IRL but love reading Mommy blogs? I guess vicariousness is just about enough for me.
Well, I'm currently taking a hiatus from Twitter. For the last year, twitter has been a huge part of my life and I've made some (more or less) great friends there. But since they were annoying the shit out of me lately I felt it was better for all of us if I just stepped back a little. (After one week off I still think in Tweet-form. I guess it's bad.)
I've been sitting outside in the sunshine on the balcony for the first time this year today. And I was at peace. It's a feeling I don't really know. And right now (8.24 pm, dark and getting kinda cool outside) I'm still full of endorphines and I wish one of my (very few) friends would just reply to my texts and go dancing with me.
Everything I wrote seems so shallow. I've been going over this post in my head for about a week and now that I sit down to type it, I can't remember all the things I wanted to say. I really should just keep a list.
I hope to be back soon.
Love.
Lisbeth.
I've mostly been inspired by Lalagirl who blogs several times a week and sometimes even several times a day. (Although I don't know if she's still doing that; I'm still busy catching up, currently reading March 2008.) She is someone I really look up to when it comes to blogging.
And isn't it weird how I can't stand children IRL but love reading Mommy blogs? I guess vicariousness is just about enough for me.
Well, I'm currently taking a hiatus from Twitter. For the last year, twitter has been a huge part of my life and I've made some (more or less) great friends there. But since they were annoying the shit out of me lately I felt it was better for all of us if I just stepped back a little. (After one week off I still think in Tweet-form. I guess it's bad.)
I've been sitting outside in the sunshine on the balcony for the first time this year today. And I was at peace. It's a feeling I don't really know. And right now (8.24 pm, dark and getting kinda cool outside) I'm still full of endorphines and I wish one of my (very few) friends would just reply to my texts and go dancing with me.
Everything I wrote seems so shallow. I've been going over this post in my head for about a week and now that I sit down to type it, I can't remember all the things I wanted to say. I really should just keep a list.
I hope to be back soon.
Love.
Lisbeth.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Soon...
I'm constantly wanting to update this blog. Mostly because I've read a lot of others' lately. But I really need to wrap my mind around what I want to write. This isn't Twitter after all.
I'm also working on translating my earlier entries. For some reason I think English will be easier for others.
(The blog I'm reading at the moment - I'm currently at August 2007 - has given me a lot of inspiration.I hope I can use some of it for this.)
I'm also working on translating my earlier entries. For some reason I think English will be easier for others.
(The blog I'm reading at the moment - I'm currently at August 2007 - has given me a lot of inspiration.I hope I can use some of it for this.)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Postcrossing #4-6
I haven't been active on Postcrossing much (or this blog, come to speak of it) and it took me forever and a day to get these registered.
No. 4 came from Finland and it traveled 1,710 km (1,063 miles) .
No. 5 is from the USA, having travelled 8,439 km (5,244 miles).
(Sorry, I don't own a scanner and couldn't find a better picture online)
No. 6 is from Indonesia, sent to me from 11,235 km (6,981 miles) away.
No. 4 came from Finland and it traveled 1,710 km (1,063 miles) .
No. 5 is from the USA, having travelled 8,439 km (5,244 miles).
(Sorry, I don't own a scanner and couldn't find a better picture online)
No. 6 is from Indonesia, sent to me from 11,235 km (6,981 miles) away.
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