Taking baby steps (and bitching along the way)

I had another nervous breakdown friday night. I was drunk, I was miserable and I just wanted my mother to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay (like that ever happened). So I called her. I told her I feel like shit, and I hate my job. She seemed sympathetic. I'm going to visit them next weekend and my dad will help me look for a new job. He sure has enough experience in that...

To be honest, I'd like to move away. Go somewhere completely different and get a fresh start. But I don't have the money to move. I also don't know if too much would change. I'm just so stuck in my routine. I don't leave the house anymore. I get up in the mornings, go to work (on time too, since I got an official warning for being late; also, unless it's Monday, I'm usually slightly hungover), go shopping, go home, get drunk, go to bed. On Friday nights I get completely wasted, usually hurt myself somehow and then sleep most of Saturday. Since I discovered the local library, I don't get up on Sundays anymore either, except to feed the cats and sometimes myself.

This weekend I finished three books and started a fourth. I wasn't really too sure about the last one since it's about a girl about my age with depression but it turns out to be pretty good. I only teared up a little bit about once or twice. Not like on Saturday when I was finishing 'Carrie' and started sobbing uncontrolably every time the work 'Momma' came up. (Which happens a lot at the end of Carrie!)

I want to get out. I want to meet people, have friends, meet a girl. But I'm too stuck. I blame my financial situation for not going out on weekends. But that's only a part of the problem. I could afford to go out once a month. I'm just too plain lazy. It's not even lack of motivation anymore. It's lazyness.

It's the same way with my apartment. There's so much I need to do. Unclog the drains in the shower and bathroom sink, fix the toilet seat, CLEAN. Except I don't.

I've been sleeping badly lately. Having trouble falling asleep, bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. Last night was especially bad. I had a bad dream shortly after finally falling asleep but somehow I knew it was a dream. I could force myself to wake up. Except it was only my conciousness that was awake. When I kept my eyes closed, I could still feel them rolling around inside my head in a REM stage. It was really creepy and nothing that has ever happened to me before. I also never even used to believe that you only dream during REM sleep because when falling asleep I can often watch myself starting to dream and my eyes never went crazy before.

I planned out this entire post in my head this morning and now I feel like it's not all there anymore. I improvised some of it. I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but I don't remember. It doesn't feel right. I wanted to get everything out and now bits and pieces are missing.

Blahblahupdate

It's been snowing again last night. Now it's raining. I need the spring to finally come, I'm sure it'll help with my mood.

I'm depressed. I'm really unhappy with work at the moment. I'm telling my doctor I'm overworked but that's not true. I'm bored and don't like what I'm doing. Also my new kinda-boss is a sexist ass.

I've been drinking A LOT again. Usually about 3 liters of beer a night. If I don't have to work the next day, sometimes a whole bottle of vodka. I really wanted to quit. I even did stop drinking on work nights for a few weeks but then my computer broke and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

Yeah, my computer broke. One day the cats threw it over, the next day there was a short circuit, the whole living room went dark and then it wouldn't turn on anymore. I'm sure the problem is somewhere in the power supply and that the hard drive is still fine but I really don't know enough to fix it myself. I really miss all my mp3s, or generally listening to music or audiobooks in the background. I currently go online via my Wii but you only have one "browser window" there. No multitasking possible.
I also can't change the keyboard to Japanese which means I can't study at home anymore. I started learning Japanese in December out of pure boredom and I love learning something new every day. Such a good way to keep you brain busy. (Check out Memrise. It's an awesome site!)

So I spend a lot of my time at work being online. Which is so not allowed. I could technically get fired for writing this post right now. But I'm just hating work so much at the moment.
All I want is to go home. But there I only sit on my ass in my filthy apartment and get drunk anyhow. I'm so glad I have my cats. I have no idea what I'd do without them.