Monday, July 9, 2012

Music Monday


Voltaire - Ex Lover's Lover

Three heavy stones will keep it from floating,
weigh it down to the bottom, food for the fishes.
And I know that it won't be discovered
'cause I will be careful, so very careful.

What if it doesn't rain for days and the river is
reduced to its muddy bed?
With a corpse exposed I would work in haste
and I might bury the bones in a shallow grave.
And the rain comes and moves rocks and the stones
washes away all the dirt and the mudflows
Bones are exposed and well.
you know how that goes!

I wait for the day when I'll finally defile
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
Die die die ...
watch them die.

I saw you with him. You looked so happy.
All of that can change, cause I am so lonely
and I have lots of time to send you straight
to the Devil. I'm taking my time
to plan your demise.

What if I were to cut you up and mail each part
to a different town? It would take the most
brilliant private eye the rest of his life
just to put you together.
a piece in each mailbox all over the planet
from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara.

I wait for the day when I'll finally defile
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
I wait for the day when I'll finally destroy
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers.
I'll pile high to the sky
the bodies of my ex lover's lovers
Die die die ...
watch them die.

I saw you with him, you looked so happy.
That will never change because I know myself
too well. I don't have the courage
to carry out my dreams
And only there will I see them
Die die die ...
watch them die. 




Postcrossing #9

From Belarus, 1.432 km (890 miles) and 5 days.


Trigger me again and I might just have to kill you.


Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Really good actually. I mean, my apartment is still a sty but I've been 99% symptom free.
Then on Thursday night a got a message from my ex. Some stupid shit about how she keeps getting letters about the bank account we used to have together and that maybe I should give them my new address (but of course she started out with 'how are you?').
And this just triggered me so fucking bad. I went to bed, got back up an hour later crying and replied really pissily that she should change the address herself if the letters bother her so much and that she hasn't contacted me once since she got her laptop in October. (I gave her a laptop when she started University to compensate for keeping all the electronics when she moved out.) Also that if she's really interested in how I am maybe she could get in contact on her own once in a while.
Then I ordered an extremely expensive bottle of vodka and stayed home from work the next day.

It's gotten me just so fucking pissed. Friday and Saturday I spent mostly drunk which then of course spoiled the Cologne pride parade for me on Sunday since I felt pretty much like shit.
And now I'm afraid I might just get another depressive episode. This morning I laid in bed for hours crying my eyes out and I don't seem able to repress other unpleasant thoughts anymore either.
I just still feel so betrayed by her. Things weren't going great back then but I'm also starting to realize that it wasn't just my fault that she left. Yes, I was probably a handfull or two but I was fucking sick and still needed her help, even though they did release me from the loony bin. And she left. After staying with a friend who had just been dumped herself for the last few days (and nights). And on the very morning she came home to tell me she wasn't coming home she had texted me 'I love you' yet. And then she forgot about me pretty quickly. But why not? She had all her friends, her soccer, her LIFE, neither of which I had.

Just when I thought I might just get my shit together and maybe be a bit more active and happy all this crap comes flooding back. And the thing I'm dreading most is to tell my therapist about it on Thursday.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Postcrossing #8

Finally another postcard!
It came from Taiwan, traveled 9,587 km (5,957 miles) and took 9 days to get to me.