Sobering up

I've finally decided to stop drinking. Somehow I never wanted to before but I'm sick of it. Drinking up my leftovers last night I didn't even enjoy the feeling of being drunk. And that's what I need to remember: I don't enjoy being drunk anymore.
I'll probably have to tell myself that every day. And I'm really not sure if I can always make myself listen.

28, day three

I just got out voluntarily for the first time since Thurdsay morning. After about 700 pages I didn't feel like reading anymore. I'm actually giggling (well, slightly smiling) at the TV.
Now drinking tons of coffee and and listening to the cats dismantle the apartment some more. I might play some Sims...

I realized yesterday now that I'm not that drawn to the computer that much and when I'm at it, get bored quickly, I might actually enjoy doing crafts again. Listening to audiobooks which I have tons of at the moment and sewing and or knitting or just doing a fucking jigsaw. Without my iPhone I used to listen to the books in bed, I actually have to be up to do so and while I am, I might as well do something productive...




Edit: Pretty much 12 hours later. I picked up. And I discovered that half of the wine I thought I had drunk on Wendesday was still sitting around. So I drank it. And I don't like the feeling of it.

In addition I just went out to get cigarettes in the fucking cold. And I realized that I've been smoking a pack since noon. That only happens when I'm feeling active and/or drunk. The last 3 days I smoked only one...

Grasping back at life

It's been a horribly weird week.
I was off of work which was fine but it did give me too much time too think and drink and get aggrevated by people.

I survived yet another birthday and am pretty much okay now.
I let go of all of the people who might possibly could be bad for me. Which means 95% of my twitter crowd. Some of them were horrible and I just got rid of anyone of that whole circle. I'm sorry to lose some of them but it's better. I just can't be around anybody who might harm me ever again.

Of course I also lost my iPhone while out for my birthday and I'm starting to think it's for the better. I've been constantly checking twitter, checking emails, checking facebook, etc. etc.... At the moment not even the computer is drawing me very much and I spent the last two days in bed reading several books.

It's just what I might have to do. Not reach for the computer when I'm bored cause I know for a fact it won't alleviate my boredom. Not let anyone from the internet get too close. Not call anyone a friend until you've spent a certain amount of real time with them.
And just try to get my shit together, like I always do. Well, most of the time.

The apartment is a pit once again. I was going to get up and get something done today but I stayed in bed and read. Which was just fine. I'll get by. I'm not expecting any company in the near (or far) future and I'll get this place tidied up in my own time. I know I will, I always have so far.

I'm surprised at how positive I'm feeling at the moment. Especially since only last morning I felt like popping a bottle of sleeping pills.
I think it's because I've got nothing and nobody to think about at the moment. My real life friends I only talk to every couple of weeks and it's just fine the way that is. Work was fine before my vacation and it will be fine after. Okay, my therapist will be pissed that I haven't confirmed her appointment yet but I don't have my fucking phone anymore. I'm trying to stay sober for as long as I can. Currently alcohol has no appeal to me at all.
And nobody will be able to hurt me anytime soon. Nobody at all.